Sunday, October 20, 2013

Halloween Countdown (Day 19: All Trick, No Treat)

I'm really pushed for time as I realise that it's almost coming to the end of October. I've four more Hellraiser flicks to get through, not to mention my ideas for articles change by the day. I was supposed to write about The Watermen, a terrible horror flick that starts Jason Mewes (of all people). But that was a week ago, and my memory of it is already little to recall. So what do I do in this situation before I get back to the Hellraiser series? Just resort to boobies, that always works.....ahem. And so the choice of film to write about: Evil Breed: The Legend Of Sam Hain.

Starring adult actresses from the late 90s/early 00s that I recognise thanks to lads magazines and the introduction to the internet, I'll admit the casting of Jenna Jameson and Chasey Lain was enough for me to check it out, no matter how bad the movie is. Besides, there is a chance of nudity that would make it worthwhile.....but then again so did the other Jenna Jameson horror flick Zombie Strippers.....


78 minutes later.....

Okay I am no stranger to misleading cover art, as any of my previous articles would show. But it still amazes me as to how cunning these production companies can market their film to look like it will be something that it's not. Now judging by the cover shown above. Granted if it wasn't for the mention of Richard Grieco, this could be seen as the cover for an adult flick, even a softcore one. So the next logical step is to think that this would be a cheap ass horror flick with some T&A. Well not quite.

It was about two thirds into the movie that I realised what contribution the cover star Jenna Jameson made to this film: one scene where she's walking through the woods, and the other when she is hacked to pieces. I didn't count the exact amount of time she was onscreen, but if I was to guess, it would be about three minutes. Hell, even the contribution of Chasey Lain didn't last that long, which would be understandable as it was nothing more than a cameo.....and a great cameo it was.

Not an image from the film, but who's complaining?

But that's essentially the extent to Jenna's participation. The rest of the film is a stupidly dull slasher flick that's supposedly set in Ireland, but judging by the accents of the cast, it was filmed in Canada. And apparently making the scenery look dull and drowsy gives it the impression that it's set in Ireland. Which is more convincing than the most woeful Oirish accents this side of Heroes: Season 2. And I don't know which is worse: legendary adult actress Ginger Lynn Allen putting on a fake Irish accent, or the fact that she doesn't even show any flesh in the movie, regardless of age.

Despite the brief appearances of these adult actresses, they still manage to put on better acting performances than the rest of the non-smut actors, even if it is a cheap horror film. Hell, even Richard Grieco's brief cameo was better than the rest of the actors carrying the movie. And whatever little nudity there is, they're still more interesting to watch than the scenes involving some monstrous figures that look like a cross between the Toxic Avenger and the goblins from Troll 2. Well, apart from the shower sex scene between two of the "teenagers", who are just as convincing as the so-called "teenagers" from Beverly Hills 90210.


Horrible dialogue, poorly executed horror tropes, a cast that makes pornstars look like Oscar winning thespians, not helped by the fact that the characters are boring themselves and the fact that they pronounce Samhain as Sam-Hain when even Halloween 3 managed to get it right all those years ago. This film is riddled with so many misfires that the only notable scene that doesn't involve bare breasts was the death scene in a bathroom. As for the ending.....I still don't know what the hell that was about.

Even the mock Halloween film the "teenagers" watch on TV was more interesting than the rest of the movie. At this moment in time, I'm almost convinced that this is actually worse than Zombie Strippers. There's only one way to find out.....aaannnddd I'm not gonna visit that film anytime soon.

And on a final note.....

My first introduction to Chasey Lain was not a visual one, but from the song by The Bloodhound Gang: The Ballad Of Chasey Lain. Still think the bleeped version is funnier than the explicit version.

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