Friday, August 15, 2014

Film 500: Part 3 - Return Of The Setbacks

Okay I will admit that this blog has suffered these past few month due to circumstances beyond my control. As well as my ongoing health concerns and tied up with my day job, I have had loved ones going into hospital, along with the death of a family friend. On a positive note I did go on my first proper holiday in over a decade, and attended two weddings. I was meant to go to a music festival, but it got cancelled two weeks before it started.

Other than that, I've found myself away from home for considerable periods of time where I don't have access to a computer and I have given up trying to construct articles via smartphone, especially as my fingers seem to be too big for the onscreen keyboard, which results in infuriating typing mistakes. That said, I did reach up to 400 films a few days ago, which makes my target of 500 easier to accomplish. So without further ado, here's the nonsensical "awards" for this part of the list (with the next one shortly to come):

FILM 500 AWARDS: 201-300 (20/02/13 to 02/05/14)

Above: the films with the most nominations (three).


Best Newly Released Film

For any film that was a new release and viewed in the same year, be it cinema or home release/digital.

Nymphomaniac: Vol 1 & 2
Dallas Buyers Club
The Raid 2
Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Under The Skin

WINNER: Captain America: The Winter Soldier
It was around February that I started to watch more films in the cinema, and in that time I saw the first great blockbuster of the year in the new film from the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I would never have thought that a Captain America sequel would not only be great, but would also be a close rival to The Avengers, in terms of action, character, story, and relevance to the MCU.


Worst Newly Released Film

For any film that was a new release and viewed in the same year, be it cinema or home release/digital.

The Canal

WINNER: The Canal
I haven't seen any terrible films as such, and although this film has yet to be released yet, I managed to see this at a test screening where I had to answer a questionnaire on what I thought of it. Needless to say, not only was this one of the worst films I've seen this year, it's one of the worst films I've ever seen. Now I'm not sure if there were changes made to it before it's official premiere (given the surprising amount of good reports lately), but from what I've seen, there's no way to salvage this train wreck of a movie.


Best Film (Any Year)

.....self explanatory really.

Children Of Men
Django Unchained
The Descent
The Raid

WINNER: Ghostbusters
What can I say? After 30 years this film still stands the test of time and is one of my all time favourites. Enough said.


Worst Film (Any Year)

.....also self explanatory.

Jurassic Shark
Scary Movie 5
Terror Trap
The Devil Inside

WINNER: Jurassic Shark
The best example of a film not living up to its preposterous title. I haven't seen a zero budget movie this bad since KFZ: Kentucky Fried Zombie. Infact, this barely passes as a film, what with the extra padding of the opening and closing credits, there's barely an hour of material on display, and even then it's a pain to watch; acting, effects, story, cinematography, everything. If KFZ was the worst zombie film I've seen, then this is the worst shark flick I've ever had to endure.


F**k Yeah/F**k No! Award

For any film that gets a reaction to something awesome/exciting/violent/horrifying/gruesome.

The Collection
Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Tango & Cash
The Raid

WINNER: The Raid
I still have fond memories of going into the cinema thinking this was just another zombie movie (judging by the poster as I read no reviews nor heard anything about what it was about), only to be surprised by the fact that it was a martial arts flick, and coming out pleased that I saw one of the best action films in a long time.


Most Boring/Forgettable

For any film that, while it may be bad but not the worst, it's only crime is that it bored the hell outta me, and/or the fact that it's so forgettable that I wish I had the time back that I wasted watching it.

Jurassic Shark
Hammer Of The Gods

WINNER: Hammer Of The Gods
The films listed above were absolutely horrid, but HOTG has the dubious honour of making me fall asleep during it. Infact, I forced myself to watch it again the next day as I didn't want to include it to the Film 500 list if I didn't watch it to the end. Plus I wanted to see if I missed anything important. I didn't. And you know it's a bad sign that not even the inclusion of bare breasts in the final act could salvage this movie.


David Hasselhoff Award

For any actor(s) whose appearance comes as a surprise and/or is a novelty. Inspired by David Hasselhoff''s appearances in the likes of Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Piranha 3DD and The Spongebob Squarepants Movie.

Charisma Carpenter (for Ghostquake)
Ron Jeremy (for Ghostbusters)
"Surprise cameo in post credits scene" (for Fast & Furious 6)
Colm Meaney (for Dick Tracy & Die Hard 2)
Danny Trejo, Salma Hayek, Christoph Waltz, Usher & Celine Dion (for Muppets Most Wanted)

WINNER: Ron Jeremy (For Ghostbusters)
I still find it funny that a film from my childhood was technically the first Ron Jeremy film I've ever seen. Granted it wouldn't be until the introduction of widescreen releases on VHS and DVD that I would have been able to spot him, but it still gives me a laugh and another reason to love this film even more.


Justin Timberlake Award

For any actor(s) whose performance is so bad that you want to jump up from your seat and punch the screen because they are so annoying and/or woeful as an actor. Inspired by Justin Timberlake overtaking Marky Mark Wahlberg as my most despised actor last year.

The entire cast of Jurassic Shark
Marguerite Moreau (for Queen Of The Damned)
Kelly Byrne (for The Canal)
Hayden Christensen (for Star Wars: Episode 2 - Attack Of The Clones)
Ricky Gervais (for Muppets Most Wanted)

WINNER: Kelly Byrne (The Canal)
As much as I hate Ricky Gervais and so tempted to choose him as I love The Muppets and his presence really got under my skin, I have to give the "award" to what has to be the worst performance in this godawful film. People were laughing everytime she opened her mouth onscreen, which would be almost passable if the film was meant to be a comedy. Which the film might as well be, but in the context of a direct to DVD, get what you pay for, crappy horror flick.


Roger Corman Award

For any film that involves a creature and/or a disaster that varies in quality and budget. In otherwords, anything from The Asylum/SyFy Channel. Inspired by B-Movie legend, Roger Corman.

Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger Part 4
Flesh Gordon
Shark Week
Laid To Rest

WINNER: Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger Part 4
Pretty strong competition (for want of a better term, given the varied quality of the flicks above), but the award has to go to quite possibly the best of the Toxic Avenger sequels. Well, even the movie says so in its opening credits, so who can argue with that?


Tom Hanks Award

For any film that is suitable for all the family. Inspired by the movie Big, starring Tom Hanks. In that I might as well be a big kid while watching it.

Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs
The Spongebob Squarepants Movie
Masters Of The Universe
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
Muppets Most Wanted

WINNER: Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs
I was tempted to go the nostalgic route and go with He-Man or The Turtles, but after finally checking out the first Cloudy film (I didn't get a chance to watch it when I saw the sequel in the cinema), I was pleasantly surprised to find it absolutely hilarious. One of the best recent animated flicks I've seen in a long time, and made me appreciate the sequel even more.


Pre-1D Morgan Spurlock Award

For any documentary film that I've seen. Dedicated to a time when Morgan Spurlock was a well respected documentary film maker, before he decided to take a dump on his reputation for the money by helming One Direction: This Is Us.

Bigger, Stronger, Faster*
Bobby Fischer Against The World

WINNER: Bobby Fischer Against The World
A fascinating look at an individual that was part genius, part madman, which doesn't alienate viewers who have never heard of him, or have no idea about competitive chess.


Jamie Lee Curtis Award

The first of Immature Awards Threesome. This goes to any actress who appears naked in a film, whether it be a nude scene or sex scene. Inspired by the first time I saw a naked woman on film, which was Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places.

Uschi Digard (for The Kentucky Fried Movie)
Tromelissa Saytar (for Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger 4)
Eva Green (for 300: Rise Of An Empire)
Scarlett Johansson (for Under The Skin)
Pamela Anderson (for Barb Wire)

WINNER: Pamela Anderson (for Barb Wire)
Disregarding the fact that I'm unable to find SFW images of the first two choices, and that I saw the next two choices on the big screen (nice), nostalgia got the best of me as I pick one of the classic blonde bombshells of the 90's. Given that she was one of the key figures of my teenage years, it shouldn't come as a surprise.


Victoria Silvstedt Award

The second of the Immature Awards Threesome. This goes to any actress who appears sexy in a film without being nude. Inspired by Victoria Silvstedt: Playmate Of The Year's cameo in BASEketball.

Adrienne Barbeau (for Escape From New York)
Madonna (for Dick Tracy)
Danielle Harris (for Hatchet 3)
Bobbi Sue Luther (for Laid To Rest)
Teri Hatcher (for Tango & Cash)

WINNER: Madonna (for Dick Tracy)
Another blonde bombshell of the 90's, sometimes I forget how hot Madonna was during this decade, not to mention that she did have decent hits. Makes me want to sit through Body Of Evidence again, and not just skip to the "key scenes".


Bill & Ted Award

The third of the Immature Awards Threesome. To round off the threesome of immature categories, this award goes to the film on the Film 500 list in which the number 69 appears. Inspired by the number Bill & Ted were thinking of in the film Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

WINNER: 269. Flesh Gordon
Absolutely bonkers but hilarious. If only it was allowed to receive an Academy Award for Special Effects (if the Wikipedia page is anything to go by).


Blame Canada Award

For the best piece of music heard/used in a motion picture. Inspired by South Park: The Movie being nominated for an Academy Award for the song Blame Canada.

Out Of The Fire - Charlie Clouser (for The Collection)
Sirius - The Alan Parsons Project (for Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs)
Fuhre Mich - Rammstein (for Nymphomaniac Vol 1)
Speed - Atari Teenage Riot (for The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift)
Finale - Hans Zimmer (aka The Lone Ranger Theme) (from The Lone Ranger)

WINNER: Out Of The Fire - Charlie Clouser (for The Collection)
Always liked Charlie Clouser's soundtrack work ever since the first SAW film, so of course his talents are suited to the film in question. While the song does share similarities to Nine Inch Nails' "The Day The Whole World Went Away" (which is not surprising since he was once a touring member of NIN), its use in this film for a particular scene made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

And on a final note.....

I was tempted to post the scene in question, but instead I recommend you watch The Collector & The Collection instead (especially if you are a fan of the SAW flicks, or just horror films in general).

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