Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Film 500: Part 4 - Attack Of The Delays

Once again, just as I was about to get started on a couple of blog posts for the month of October, something happened in my private life that needed my full attention. Hell, the only reason I've gotten around to this was due to getting a cold. Unbelievable.

Right, enough of my personal strife, let's get on with the next set of "awards" before I reach the 500 mark. Also there was a total of 13 films tied with the most nominations (two each) so for the opening picture I'm just gonna pick the person who is one of the winners. Check below to see which award she won and how.

FILM 500 AWARDS: 201-300 (02/05/14 to 25/07/14)


Best Newly Released Film

For any film that was a new release and viewed in the same year, be it cinema or home release/digital.

Cheap Thrills
The Borderlands
Cold In July
Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes

WINNER: Calvary
I have watched a few good films so far this year, and if there's any film that could top The Wolf Of Wall Street as the best film of 2014, it would be this film. The humour from John Michael McDonagh's previous film, The Guard, is also present, but a more sombre look of ones faith and how it's perceived in modern Ireland, not to mention ones role in life, all the while trying to solve the mystery as to who wishes to kill the main character, played by Brendan Gleeson, who puts on an amazing performance onscreen.


Worst Newly Released Film

For any film that was a new release and viewed in the same year, be it cinema or home release/digital.

20 Ft Below: The Darkness Descending
A Million Ways To Die In The West
Godzilla (2014)

WINNER: 20 Ft Below: The Darkness Descending
Maybe I'm just shooting fish in a barrel by knocking a film that went Direct To DVD (or is it Direct To Video now), and as much as I like Danny Trejo, not all his movies are that good, which somehow gives them some charm at least. But this film is mind-numingly boring, from the minimal sets and boring characterisation, to the unengaging story and poor action scenes. Hell, even the title of the movie was changed to "Darkness Descends" once it was released over this side of the Atlantic.


Best Film (Any Year)

.....self explanatory really.

The Exorcist
The Loved Ones

WINNER: Robocop
I could go on about how this movie blew me away when I first watched it at 8 years old, unsupervised by my parents. I could also regurgitate all that there is to be said about how great it is. But this year I managed to watch this on the big screen, and all the memories of watching it for the first time came rushing to my mind. I'm even smiling as I write this short blurb, very enjoyable night indeed.


Worst Film (Any Year)

.....also self explanatory.

The Dukes Of Hazzard
200 MPH
Resident Evil: Retribution
Caught In The Crossfire

WINNER: Resident Evil: Retribution
Two years ago I wrote on this blog about how disappointing this film was when I first saw it. I watched it again, and the film is still godawful in my eyes. And with Milla Jovovich's pregnancy delaying the production of the final Resident Evil flick, I guess I'll have to wait to see the film that I should have been watching back then.


F**k Yeah/F**k No! Award

For any film that gets a reaction to something awesome/exciting/violent/horrifying/gruesome.

Bad Ass
X-Men: Days Of Future Past
White House Down
Independence Day 4

After watching 20 Ft Below/Darkness Descends, I needed to watch another Danny Trejo flick just to restore my faith in the guy. And I got plenty of it back thanks to this very entertaining flick. Afterwards I was happy to find out that a sequel was due to be released later in the year. Also, ya gotta love the fanny pack.


Most Boring/Forgettable

For any film that, while it may be bad but not the worst, it's only crime is that it bored the hell outta me, and/or the fact that it's so forgettable that I wish I had the time back that I wasted watching it.

20 Ft Below: The Darkness Descending
Bounty Hunters
Surf Nazis Must Die
Caught In The Crossfire
Eye Of The Beast

WINNER: Caught In The Crossfire
Just like Hammer Of The Gods in the last Film 500 blog post, this one also managed to make me fall asleep throughout it. And since I didn't want to rewatch it again, I kept trying to keep myself awake. Once I managed to get to the end, I really wished I just gave up and fell asleep on the couch.


David Hasselhoff Award

For any actor(s) whose appearance comes as a surprise and/or is a novelty. Inspired by David Hasselhoff''s appearances in the likes of Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Piranha 3DD and The Spongebob Squarepants Movie.

Billie Joe Armstrong (for This Is 40)
"Various Cameos" (for Looney Tunes: Back In Action)
"The Gimp" (for This Is The End)
Marilyn Manson (for Wrong Cops)
Devon (for Don Jon)

WINNER: Devon (For Don Jon)
And that's who's picture is featured at the beginning of this blog post. Okay, maybe it is cheating as only a clip of her "in action" was shown during one of main character's Joseph Gordon Levitt's "browsing sessions", but since she's one of the first adult actresses I, erm, became a fan of, I had to give the award to her.


Justin Timberlake Award

For any actor(s) whose performance is so bad that you want to jump up from your seat and punch the screen because they are so annoying and/or woeful as an actor. Inspired by Justin Timberlake overtaking Marky Mark Wahlberg as my most despised actor last year.

Loretta Devine (for Urban Legends: The Final Cut)
Eric Bana & Jennifer Connelly (for Hulk)
Jessica Simpson (for The Dukes Of Hazzard)
Jaz Martin (for 200 MPH)
Burt Reynolds (for In The Name Of The King)

WINNER: Jaz Martin (200 MPH)
I know films by The Asylum are not known for their stellar casts, but even among the horrid acting, terrible dialogue and nonsensical plot, this guy managed to make this film sink even lower in my estimation. His performance is so laughable that it made my mouth open in awe of how abysmal it is.


Roger Corman Award

For any film that involves a creature and/or a disaster that varies in quality and budget. In otherwords, anything from The Asylum/SyFy Channel. Inspired by B-Movie legend, Roger Corman.

Sgt Kabukiman NYPD
Mega Python Vs Gatoroid
Zombie Apocalypse
Mega Piranha
Poseidon Rex

WINNER: Poseidon Rex
Quite a tough choice when it comes to some enjoyably tacky SyFy/The Asylum creature features, but after much thought (or alcohol, I don't know which), the one that made me laugh the most was Poseidon Rex, with Mega Piranha coming a close second. 


Tom Hanks Award

For any film that is suitable for all the family. Inspired by the movie Big, starring Tom Hanks. In that I might as well be a big kid while watching it.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret Of The Ooze
Looney Tunes: Back In Action
Toy Story 3
Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

WINNER: Toy Story 3
This makes me want to watch the Toy Story trilogy back to back, as it has been years since I've seen the previous two installments. I'm surprised that it's taken me this long to watch it, and I have to give credit to any movie, be it live action or animated, that makes me a little teary eyed, given how manly I am.....ahem, seriously.


Pre-1D Morgan Spurlock Award

For any documentary film that I've seen. Dedicated to a time when Morgan Spurlock was a well respected documentary film maker, before he decided to take a dump on his reputation for the money by helming One Direction: This Is Us.

Unhung Hero

WINNER: Unhung Hero
While it was a unique way to get over being humiliated thanks to a viral video by tackling (no pun intended) a stigma that even admitting it onscreen for the sake of a documentary, it must make it even more embarrassing for the documentarian in question. To sum up this documentary, it's about a guy who is unhappy about his penis. Hmm, maybe I should watch more documentaries.


Jamie Lee Curtis Award

The first of Immature Awards Threesome. This goes to any actress who appears naked in a film, whether it be a nude scene or sex scene. Inspired by the first time I saw a naked woman on film, which was Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places.

Mimi Rogers (for Killer aka Bulletproof Heart)
Lindsay Lohan (for The Canyons)
Anna Gabriella Olson (for Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead)
Betsy Rue (for My Bloody Valentine 2009)
Raven De La Croix (for Screwballs)

WINNER: Mimi Rogers (for Killer aka Bulletproof Heart)
I've mentioned in a previous blog entry (can't remember which one) that I wished I watched Killer (entitled Bulletproof Heart in the States) before it was pulled from the US version of Netflix. Luckily enough it reappeared on the site, and I finally got to see not only a film that should get more recognition that it does, but also the bosoms that turned Tom Cruise into a Scientologist.


Victoria Silvstedt Award

The second of the Immature Awards Threesome. This goes to any actress who appears sexy in a film without being nude. Inspired by Victoria Silvstedt: Playmate Of The Year's cameo in BASEketball.

Megan Fox (for This Is 40/Jennifer's Body)
Danielle Harris (for Urban Legend)
Tiffany (for Mega Python Vs. Gatoroid)
Vivica A. Fox (for Independence Day)
Heather Graham (for Bowfinger)

WINNER: Danielle Harris (for Urban Legend)
One of the top "Scream Queens" today, not only is she absolutely stunning (as I've seen with my own eyes two years ago) but add the goth chick look in Urban Legend and I'm instantly in love, even if the character is abrasive. Still, can't go wrong with the goth look personally.


Bill & Ted Award

The third of the Immature Awards Threesome. To round off the threesome of immature categories, this award goes to the film on the Film 500 list in which the number 69 appears. Inspired by the number Bill & Ted were thinking of in the film Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

WINNER: 369. Jennifer's Body
Funnily enough I didn't plan for this to be the 369th film (if I did then there would be nudity, hence the crude nature of the "award"), but it does have Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried, so at least that covers the babe quota. 


Blame Canada Award

For the best piece of music heard/used in a motion picture. Inspired by South Park: The Movie being nominated for an Academy Award for the song Blame Canada.

Ninja Rap - Vanilla Ice (for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret Of The Ooze)
The majority of the soundtrack (for Urban Legend)
Stunt - Mr Oizo (for Wrong Cops)
It's A Sin - Pet Shop Boys (for Bronson)
Cosmo Black - Dynatron (from Cold In July)

WINNER: Stunt - Mr Oizo (for Wrong Cops)
Picking a winner for this was hard, and was tempted to call it a draw and make every nominee a winner. So I tried to put it in context to how the song(s) in question were used in their respective film. And I had to give it to the one that was described by one of the characters as "shit in a can".

And on a final note.....

I don't care how repetitive it is, it's still catchy. Then again, this was done by the same guy who did the "Flat Eric" ads for Levis years ago.

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