Monday, February 24, 2014

Film 500: Part 2 - The List Strikes Back

I was going to excuse the time between this post and the last one due to a week off work for some R&R, not to mention falling foul to a viral infection, which again means more health problems. But then again, it's only been three weeks, and given my track record since the start of this blog, this is nothing. Also by coincidence I managed to hit film number 200 in my Film 500 challenge, so might as well do the next awards post, which should keep you distracted for another 3-4 weeks.

FILM 500 AWARDS: 101-200 (27/12/13 to 19/02/14)

Above: the film with the most nominations (three).


Best Newly Released Film

For any film that was a new release and viewed in the same year, be it cinema or home release/digital.

The Wolf Of Wall Street
The Lego Movie

WINNER: The Wolf Of Wall Street
It's a slow start to getting back to watching films in the cinema, not to mention that this viral infection has prevented me from checking out the films I booked to see at the JDIFF. Yes I'm going off topic, but what more can I say about The Wolf Of Wall Street that hasn't been said? It's a sign of a good movie when you don't really feel the 3 hour runtime, except towards the end when it sorta drags while trying to wrap up. Plus this is making me laugh at this time.


Worst Newly Released Film

For any film that was a new release and viewed in the same year, be it cinema or home release/digital.

Blue Ruin

WINNER: Blue Ruin
The only film I managed to catch at the JDIFF, while it's not actually a bad film, my problem with the film is not down to its slow pace (although that may be down to watching The Lego Movie earlier on and feeling tired while viewing it in the dark confines of the cinema screen). It's more to do with the main actor who I found very dull and unsympathetic, which doesn't help when the supporting cast are more interesting than him.


Best Film (Any Year)

.....self explanatory really.

The Prestige
Star Trek Into Darkness
Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade
Red Hill

WINNER: Airplane!
What can I say? Like Spaceballs, this film has been an influence in my sense of humour from an early age. Although I'm not at the stage where I can almost recite it word for word.....yet.


Worst Film (Any Year)

.....also self explanatory.

Jack The Giant Slayer

I got the DVD of this movie for free, and yet I still feel like I want my money back. Not only have I ever screamed at the TV screen at how stupid a film was in a long time, but the fact that this was released by Lionsgate shocked me, as anytime I see the Lionsgate logo, it's usually a sign that it's good, or at least a decent watch. Would be an ideal film to write up on this blog, but in order to do so, I'd have to watch it again, and there's no way I'm watching it anytime soon.


F**k Yeah/F**k No! Award

For any film that gets a reaction to something awesome/exciting/violent/horrifying/gruesome.

Star Trek Into Darkness
Mortal Kombat
The Expendables 2
Machete Kills

WINNER: Botched
Very tough choice here, what with a guilty pleasure (Mortal Kombat), the best summer blockbuster of 2013 (Star Trek Into Darkness) and two sequels that are still fun to watch on repeated viewings (The Expendables 2 & Machete Kills). But I chose Botched as I didn't have any idea what the film was about or what to expect, and even after watching it I was happy that I came across such an enjoyable movie. So much that I went out and bought it, and showed it to a friend of mine, who also enjoyed it. And to think that it was filmed in Ireland to boot.


Most Boring/Forgettable

For any film that, while it may be bad but not the worst, it's only crime is that it bored the hell outta me, and/or the fact that it's so forgettable that I wish I had the time back that I wasted watching it.

Black Christmas
The Mangler
Ice Spiders

WINNER: Elektra
The idea of this character having her own spin-off was stupid to begin with, after the events of Daredevil. Not to mention how poor (from what I remember) the theatrical version of that film was to begin with (especially after watching the superior Director's Cut). And it doesn't help when your lead actress is fish face herself, Jennifer Garner. I even had to fast forward parts of the movie because it was so slow and boring. Not even a director's cut could save this stinker, which is right there with The Green Lantern as one of the dullest comic book films I've ever seen in recent memory.


David Hasselhoff Award

For any actor(s) whose appearance comes as a surprise and/or is a novelty. Inspired by David Hasselhoff''s appearances in the likes of Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Piranha 3DD and The Spongebob Squarepants Movie.

Hollywood Hulk Hogan, Katie Holmes & Joshua Jackson (for Muppets From Space)
Coolio (for Leprechaun 5: In The Hood & Daredevil: The Director's Cut)
Danica McKellar (for Tasmanian Devils)
Kevin Nash (for Rock Of Ages)
Alice Cooper (for Bigfoot)

WINNER: Alice Cooper (for Bigfoot)
I feel this film could have reached the notoriety of Sharknado had it gone with a better cast than Danny Bonaduce and Barry Williams (don't be surprised if you say to yourself "who?") as it's just as incompetent, ridiculous, cheap and unintentionally hilarious. Especially with the cameo of Alice Cooper in his greatest role since Wayne's World. Why hasn't this been given a BR/DVD release over this side of the Atlantic?


Justin Timberlake Award

For any actor(s) whose performance is so bad that you want to jump up from your seat and punch the screen because they are so annoying and/or woeful as an actor. Inspired by Justin Timberlake overtaking Marky Mark Wahlberg as my most despised actor last year.

Ted Levine (for The Mangler)
Brooke Hogan (for Sand Sharks)
Nicholas Hoult (for Jack The Giant Slayer)
Jennifer Garner (for Elektra)
Elaine Miles (for Wyvern)

WINNER: Elaine Miles (for Wyvern)
As much as I want to stick it to Fish Face Garner, Nicholas Bug Eyes, and Hulk Hogan's daughter who doesn't deserve to be a celebrity in any shape and form, I have to give this "award" to Elaine Miles (again, no surprise if you say "who?"). I know films from SyFy are not known for their stellar quality, but I was convinced that this was the director's mother and she forced him to stick her in the film. All I kept thinking when she was onscreen was that scene in Wayne's World 2 when they replace a bad actor with Charlton Heston, even though it's only a small part.....hey whaddaya know, another Wayne's World reference.


Roger Corman Award

For any film that involves a creature and/or a disaster that varies in quality and budget. In otherwords, anything from The Asylum/SyFy Channel. Inspired by B-Movie legend, Roger Corman.

Sand Sharks
Rock Monster
Dinosaur Island
Birdemic: Shock And Terror

WINNER: Birdemic: Shock And Terror
Not even The Asylum/SyFy Channel could produce something so cheap, badly acted, poorly edited, and horribly written. But at the same time, it's one of the most amazing "so bad it's good" films I've ever seen, and is pure comedy gold. Why isn't the sequel released on BR/DVD over here yet?


Tom Hanks Award

For any film that is suitable for all the family. Inspired by the movie Big, starring Tom Hanks. In that I might as well be a big kid while watching it.

Bedknobs And Broomsticks
Spy Kids
The Muppets
The Lego Movie

WINNER: The Muppets
The Muppets have been a big part of my childhood, and even today I still love watching them in any shape or form. Although my love will be tested next month since that poxbottle Ricky Gervais is going to be in the new film.


Pre-1D Morgan Spurlock Award

For any documentary film that I've seen. Dedicated to a time when Morgan Spurlock was a well respected documentary film maker, before he decided to take a dump on his reputation for the money by helming One Direction: This Is Us.

Kurt & Courtney
Corman's World: Exploits Of A Hollywood Rebel
Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait

WINNER: Kurt & Courtney
I was gonna give Roger Corman at least one award this time round, especially as he's lost twice in a category named after him. But I have to go with a documentary based on one of my musical heroes, and an interesting one in that, from his roots and his reaction to his popularity, to conspiracy theories about his death.


Jamie Lee Curtis Award

The first of Immature Awards Threesome. This goes to any actress who appears naked in a film, whether it be a nude scene or sex scene. Inspired by the first time I saw a naked woman on film, which was Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places.

Rosario Dawson (for Trance)
Mathilda May (for Lifeforce)
Sybil Danning (for Howling 2: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch)
Zoe Stollery (for Dread)
The female cast of Dinosaur Island

WINNER: Sybil Danning (for Howling 2: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch)
A film that falls into the WTF category of movie sequels (alongside Highlander 2 and Halloween 3) that while it's bad, on its own merits it's still entertaining, for better and worse. Of course, what made it very watchable (to those attracted to women anyway) is the presence of Sybil Danning, in various states of undress, as can be seen by the film's end credits (the link shows a censored version, so at least it's SFW).


Victoria Silvstedt Award

The second of the Immature Awards Threesome. This goes to any actress who appears sexy in a film without being nude. Inspired by Victoria Silvstedt: Playmate Of The Year's cameo in BASEketball.

Scarlett Johansson (for The Prestige)
Lucy Pinder (for Strippers Vs Werewolves)
Eva Mendes (for Ghost Rider)
Jade Regier (for Zombie Hunter)
The female cast of Machete Kills

WINNER: The female cast of Machete Kills
If I had to pick one member of the cast (in order for the overall awards), then I'd have to go with Sofia Vergara and her "Double Ds" machine gun bra. But then again, anyone from the cast (even Michelle Rodriguez) could make me go SCHWING anytime they come onscreen.....I really should watch the Wayne's World films again.


Bill & Ted Award

The third of the Immature Awards Threesome. To round off the threesome of immature categories, this award goes to the film on the Film 500 list in which the number 69 appears. Inspired by the number Bill & Ted were thinking of in the film Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

WINNER: 169. Strippers Vs Werewolves
Hey, for a film that only took £38 in its first week at the box office, it's the only positive award and/or recognition it's gonna get at this stage.


Blame Canada Award

For the best piece of music heard/used in a motion picture. Inspired by South Park: The Movie being nominated for an Academy Award for the song Blame Canada.

Mortal Kombat Theme - The Immortals (from Mortal Kombat)
I Want To Know What Love Is - Tom Cruise & Malin Akerman (from Rock Of Ages)
The Howling - Babel (from Howling 2: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch)
Blind - Korn (from Street Fighter 2: The Animated Movie)
A History Of Bad Men - The Melvins (from I Know Who Killed Me)

WINNER: A History Of Bad Men - The Melvins (from I Know Who Killed Me)
Like Strippers Vs Werewolves, this film is not gonna get any positive awards and/or recognition. While the film is bad, it's not the worst film I've ever seen. Besides, it will always score brownie points for using a song by one of my favourite bands of all time, while Lindsay Lohan dances around a stripper pole.....granted non nude, but hey, it's still better than being mentioned in Juno.

And on a final note.....

This is the song in question from The Melvins.

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