Halloween Countdown (Day 6: Cyber Christ)

I like movies. Including dirt cheap B-Movies. I like women. Preferably naked women. I like robots. Especially killer robots. So for today's blog entry, I am going to write about a very little known film that's so hard to come by that the only copy going on sale on Amazon is priced at $1999.99 (at time of writing). Of course I don't have that amount of disposable income, so I am left with no choice but to download it off the net. Not a big fan of this practice, as I've mentioned before in my Savage Streets article, but I'm left with no choice. The film in question is called Exterminator City.

Note: film does not include the two guys on the cover.

Now, don't ask me how I came across this film. I was searching through various IMDb profiles of certain "actresses", and from one of them (skip down to the "final note" to see who it was) I noticed this movie and took a look at the cast, still undecided whether it's a bad sign that I recognised eight of the names listed (a mixture of plastic American and British pornstars, and B-Movie queen Julie Strain). Given how crazy the concept and casting sounds, it was worth a viewing that didn't involve fast forwarding to the nude scenes.

OH YES, THERE WILL BE SPOILERS.

79 minutes later.....

I'm not sure whether it was a good or bad idea to watch this film in the early hours of the morning, fighting tiredness and under the influence. My brain ended up fried because of how awful this film was, production wise. But at the same it was the perfect film to watch in an altered state of mind. But even with a clear head I'm sure I would have enjoyed the absurdity of the movie regardless.

As for the plot? Well the summary from its IMDb page should do:

The year is 2027. A robot pest controller turned serial killer has embarked on a murderous rampage, carving his way through the population of Atro City. Following in the wake of his destruction are a tough robot homicide detective and a sinister robot psychiatrist. Their investigation will take them on a terrifying journey into a twisted technological nightmare, more terrifying than you can ever imagine.

Okay where do I begin to explain about how amazingly bad this movie is? Well it's not enough to show a picture of the robots in question. Not to mention the shoestring budget. Or even talk about the acting and dialogue without some idea as to how it shows onscreen. It's one of those cases of where it has to be seen to be believed. So I'm just gonna post some sample clips from YouTube (which are SFW). Starting off with the opening scene from this flick.....

this heartpounding training scene with the detective and psychiatrist robots.....

And this "gory" scene of one of the killer's victims.....

Now repeat these three aspects shown above (shaky cam movements at inanimate objects, poor delivery of poor dialogue, and copious amounts of scenes involving women screaming). Throw in some Se7en style plot where the killer has severe hallucinations that incorporate religious imagery, more dutch angles than Battlefield Earth, nonsensical explosion graphics, and the same damn model of a building. Throw in the plot that's detailed earlier, be sure never to mix the human and puppet cast (even making puppets of the supposed humans) and you have an entire movie that last 79 MINUTES!

The story is pretty simple yet quite ambitious, considering that it makes the fluffy toy segments of The Adam & Joe Show look hi-tech. It does have the odd funny scene and quote, but it doesn't distract you from the fact that the budget is close to nonexistent. What makes this film outrageous is its use of the buxom ensemble cast, as if the makers wanted to distract viewers from its budget limitations, it would give more screentime to the women in question. Despite doing ordinary actions such as brushing teeth, reading, exercising, even showing Julie Strain on the toilet. But what took me aback was that these scenes barely last a MINUTE!

So the major focus onscreen are these robot puppets and this supernatural plot set in a futuristic world. But the women are clearly in houses set in the present day. There is no explanation as to how these robots came to be part to everyday society. Not only that, but I was beginning to see the same actress/model make a second appearance in order to continue with the body count, with no way of trying to hide that they were the same person that was offed onscreen earlier. I'm convinced that the makers of this film has a fetish involving women screaming in terror, as in a horror flick.

Just as well it wasn't killer robot erotica.

Verdict?

I never thought I'd see a skin flick that does its best to skim through the skimpy parts and concentrate on the plot. Or if it was a means to construct a story around unrelated scenes of screaming naked ladies, then they really went overboard with the scenes that people usually fast forward through in an adult flick. This strange experiment does so many things wrong that you can't believe it got made in the first place. And that's what gives it this strange charm.

Would it have worked if the female performers were not from the adult industry and instead from, say, swimsuit models? Maybe, but then again the film more than likely needed to see some nudity if they had to sit through some strange puppet show and attempts at SFX for beginners. It would be hard to recommend this film to others, let alone watch it with a group of people. So as with any movie with adult content, it is more than likely a film to be watched alone.

But there was one horrifying moment in the film, and it came towards the end with the appearance of one adult performer that I mentioned in Day 3 (to give support to Breast Cancer Awareness Month); Mistress Rhiannon.

Even the robots looked more realistic.

And on a final note.....

The "actress" I talked about earlier was notable UK pornstar and Daily Sport model; Cathy Barry.....and I'm sure that the majority of people who read this will judge me. Speaking of her I watched a film called Garage a while back, where one of her "scenes" was used in the porno tape the main character had. The sad thing was, that brief use of the scene was better than the entire movie it was used in.

Halloween Countdown (Day 3: Thanks For The Mammaries)

Okay anyone who has read my posts from last October (only recommended for curiosity's sake) will know that every once in a while, in order to keep up with the daily posts, I had to improvise. The early delay in this post is down to the fact that I had to visit someone who was in hospital for surgical reasons, and celebrating the departure of a work colleague. So in a slight deviation from the theme of the month, I'm gonna dedicate a blog entry to something that's going on this month: Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

So to come up with something well meaning, all the while coming off juvenile considering the rest of the article, I'm gonna post the 10 scenes involving bare breasts that have made an impact on me. Well, considering my tendency to post gratuitous shots of women on this blog, I do have an appreciation of the female breasts, hence I wish to make my own attempt to raise awareness. I will try to make this as tasteful as possible, and throw in some self depreciating humour in the mix. So with the particular scenes in question, I'll be posting pictures relative to the actress and film as opposed to the actual scene. If you wanted to see those images in question, that's what the internet is for (Google Image for example).

My Top 10 Pairs Of Most Influential Boobs On Film

1. Jamie Lee Curtis (in Trading Places)

I guess with her inclusion in the Halloween series, it's kinda appropriate, right? Anyways, if I was to think of the first bare breasts I saw in film or television, they would belong to Miss Curtis. Exposed to this film due to the fact that it starred actors of whose films I liked when I was young (Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop and Dan Ackroyd in Ghostbusters), it was my first introduction to the female form unclothed. So if my love for boobs were to be traced back (and NOT in a breast feeding explanation), it would be here.

Honourable mention: Linda Hamilton (Terminator). This is kinda the second instance of watching bare boobs onscreen.....

Sah-rah Con-nah.

2. The Laser Sphinxes (in The Neverending Story)

Now when I said Jamie Lee Curtis was the first, I meant in the fact that the breasts in question belonged to a real person. If I was to take into account the structure of the top half of women, it would go to the Sphinxes from this film. Even to this day I find it very surprising that a film aimed at a younger audience would feature something so explicit. And considering how eye catching they were (the Sphinxes I mean.....ahem), I'm convinced they've had some effect on me.

Dishonourable mention: Selma Blair (A Dirty Shame). Her performance as Candy Stickles (with a pseudonym as Ursula Udders to boot) was even more confusing, even though I was out of my teenage years.

Selma Blair's finest role.

3. Dolph Lundgren (in Masters Of The Universe)

Yyyeeeaaahhh if I'm gonna make note of my introduction to "boobs" in my formative years, I might as well add my confusion that lead me to my first education into the differences between men and women.

Dishonourable mention: Peter Andre's "Mysterious Girl" video.....damn the teenage years are a confusing nightmare.....ahem, moving swiftly on.....

Yeuch, what the hell was wrong with me?

4. Pauline Collins (in Shirley Valentine)

So if I'm gonna be introduced to the attraction of the female form early on, I would have to know that sometimes it may not be so alluring. Bear in mind I watched this film before I reached the age of ten, so this is not an attack on the image of a middle aged woman in the nip. It was just something I wasn't introduced to back then.

Dishonourable mention: Rhiannon (Sexy Scary Movie 2). The film's actual title according to IMDb was The Erotic Mirror, but I got the DVD as a joke birthday present with this title inserted, during the time the first Scary Movie came out. Now I'm not one to pick a side between fake/surgical and real/natural (not just boobs), although I will always lean towards the latter. And if anything can remind me how bad the former can get, it's from looking at Mistress Rhiannon.

Better than Peter Andre?

5. Madonna (in Body Of Evidence)

During the early 90s was the surgence of the "erotic thriller", thanks to the popularity of Basic Instinct. As much as Sharon Stone was an icon in terms of hot actresses getting their kit off in films (including Sliver and The Specialist), I'm going to go with someone who was trying to cash in on this craze in order to establish herself as an actress: Madonna. It was just the fact that I knew her as a singer, and found her pretty hot. This came out during the period of racy videos, songs and even a book, so that made her go one up than the likes of Cindy Crawford in Fair Game. To me this film cemented my idea of her as a sexpot, regardless of what people think of her now.

Honourable mention: Elizabeth Berkley (Showgirls). I still remember the shock that the girl from Saved By The Bell was in this type of movie that, growing up watching her on daytime television, it was so bizarre that it was also sexy. Granted the movie is so bad it's hilarious, but I do find it sad that her career took a nosedive because of this movie.

Better tongue than Billy Ray Cyrus' kid.

6. Shannon Tweed (in nearly everything she's in)

Thanks to the introduction of Sky/Satellite television and the concept of movie channels, it was during my teenage years that I discovered the genre of erotic thrillers that was my introduction to softcore porn. And the one actress that was in the good majority of those I watched was "Mrs. Gene Simmons" herself, Shannon Tweed. And I'm sure I was one of the few people who recognised her in Detroit Rock City when it came out.

Honnourable mention: Gabriella Hall. Thinking of her makes me want to dig out my VHS recorded copy of Virgins Of Sherwood Forest.

.....no caption needed.

7. Chun Li (in "Street Fighter II: The Animated Movie")

The appeal of Hentai (which is an x-rated form of Manga Animation for those who use the internet for good use) is an odd one to me nowadays, and when I was young the attraction I had to the likes of April O'Neill in Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles ("Ninja" was considered a violent word on my side of the world) and Rogue in X-Men, was almost on a level to the Sphinxes in The Neverending Story. So the appearance of a naked Chun-Li in the shower in the first (and best) Street Fighter 2 movie, brought along more confusion back then.

Dishonourable mention: Suzi-X & Velvet Von Black (The Haunted World Of El Superbeasto, of which I wrote about here). And thanks to this song, I feel a lot less stupid/guilty/confused/ashamed.....well, I did say "less".....

Rosario Dawson vs Sheri Moon Zombie

8. Kate Winslet (in "Titanic")

Thanks to the most undeserving winner of the "Best Picture" Oscar, it had the first actress I saw in the nude on the big screen. And the fact that it was in a film rated 12s was something that was unexpected, but a pleasant thrill in an otherwise average enough movie. Although it was a little awkward when sitting beside my godmother and brother.

Honourable mention: Shannon Elizabeth (American Pie). Thank god I was alone when I saw this in the cinema.

Unrealistic idea of a foreign exchange student.

9. Jennifer Tilly & Gina Gershon (in Bound)

Now as much as I like nude/sex scenes in films for titillation (especially in a time before I had access to the internet), I also appreciate these types of scenes when they turn out to be appropriate and even essential to the plot, and not just an excuse to get horny blokes watching. It still amuses me that this is the film that gave the go ahead for The Wachowskis to create The Matrix. Even today I still enjoy both these actresses, with Gershon in the excellent Killer Joe, and of course Tilly in the Chucky franchise (see here and here).

Honourable mention: Julianne Moore & Amanda Seyfried (Chloe). I only watched this a few months back and watching their sex scene instantly reminded me of the first time I watched Bound.

Also see Lovelace & Boogie Nights.

10. Gianna Michaels (in Piranha 3D)

SFW version.

Thanks to the internet and many years of being a singleton, I have ended up knowing the names of pornstars beyond Jenna Jameson and Ron Jeremy. So it took me by surprise to see one that not only I know, but is one of my erm, most frequented performers. And yet no matter how much of a film geek I am, I wouldn't want to admit to knowing her identity in public. Not only did I watch this flick in the cinema, the fact that it was in 3D when I saw her onscreen just blew my mind.....I said "mind", not pants, you filthy minded pervert.

Honourable mention: Stormy Daniels (The 40 Year Old Virgin & Knocked Up). Another actress whom I pretend I don't know when watching with others in the cinema, but I've no shame mentioning her in a previous blog entry.

Also SFW.

And on a final note.....

Boobies! And Kittens!

Halloween Countdown (Day 1: Hound Dog)

Before we begin:Okay it has been a VERY long time since my last post, and it hasn't been without trying. I have been meaning to kickstart it after a lot of stalling but alas I have been very distracted these days, as I keep mentioning in previous posts. The past few weeks I've been catching up on Breaking Bad before the final episode aired. Once I got that out of the way, I realised that October was about to begin, which gives me the opportunity to bang out a few blog posts before I go on indefinite hiatus in the lead up to Xmas.

I did have a series of films in mind to write up on, which I watched earlier on this year. I purchased a box set of these films to refresh my memory (now that I can no longer access the US version of Netflix). But for now, in an effort to kickstart the Halloween Countdown, I'm going for a film that I watched this weekend that is horror based. And what film am I starting with?

Note: cover does not include Adele Silva

Hey, I did Big Tits Zombie last year, so why not? Not to mention that it stars Lucy Pinder, which is enough for me to watch it.....ahem, now onto the first film article of the month then.....

OH YES, THERE WILL BE SPOILERS.

93 minutes later.....

Well with a film called Strippers Vs Werewolves, I shouldn't really be expecting much. As funny/cheesy/intriguing/kitsch (delete where applicable) as the title is, it doesn't mean that the film will be a riot. I learned that lesson from watching Zombie Strippers a few years ago, and considering that Robert Englund was in that film as well as this (albeit in a very brief scene), it prepared me in that way.

Other than the talents of Freddy Krueger, the acting talent is a combination of UK daytime soaps and hammy horror performances. So in short, pretty woeful, which results in the lack of interest in the characters themselves. The soap influences come with the casting of Adele Silva (Emmerdale) and Martin Kemp (Eastenders). Although the casting choice for the latter was an odd one as he is immediately disposed off within the first minute or so, after the opening credits (with Hungry Like The Wolf playing during it.....heh).

Speaking of brief cameos, the highlight of the film for me also turns out to be the most disappointing one. And that is the limited screentime dedicated to Lucy Pinder, who plays one of two buxom vampires that are in battle with the nerdy Van Helsing type ex-boyfriend of one of the strippers. I could talk about my reasons why this brief, out of the blue sub plot should have been more developed. But right now I can only think of two.....

.....ahem, moving swiftly on.....

While on the subject of titillation, with a movie entitled Strippers Vs Werewolves, there is not much in terms of explicit content. But again that's to be expected when the film is rated 15 in the UK and Ireland. While I do think that the film could have used some of it, considering how weak the film is, at the same time, it's no guarantee that it would improve it. With the aforementioned Zombie Strippers, the explicit content in that film (which mostly consists of strippers writhing around) got very tiresome before the 30 minute mark. Especially when all the women just look like anorexic dolls with copious amounts of silicone.

And of course it wouldn't be expected to have Adele Silva show off more flesh than she does in the average FHM photoshoot. So with those handicaps so far, it would be obvious to go into the comedy gore direction for a movie like this. But again, it's 15s, so any blood letting and dismemberment is mostly done offscreen, only cutting away to pools of blood, applied on scar make up, and unrealistic dismembered limbs. While I'm on the subject of make up and effects, the werewolf prosthetics are, unsurprisingly, awful. So what is there to redeem this film?

Besides them.....I mean "that".....

What this film has left is to come up with a story that is somewhat entertaining, regardless of the elements. While the plot is simple enough, not straying too far from the concept given by the film's title, it did feel a little drawn out with no suspense. There are a few bits of humour thrown in, but not only are they so few and far between, they fall flat thanks to the poor delivery by some of the cast, especially the Van Helsing ex-boyfriend and lead actress Silva.

Verdict?

It's not the worst film I've seen, and I admit it was slightly entertaining and a lot better than most of the The Asylum/Sharksploitation/SyFy Channel films I've been watching as of late. However thanks to the restrictions given with its 15 rating, it feels like a watered down exploitation film that is aimed at a general audience. As a result, it misses the mark on so many levels which is kind of a disappointment. And to make another comparison to Zombie Strippers, whereas that film may be poor, it did have some stupid but memorable moments. Here, the only parts I'm going to remember are Martin Kemp's dead stiffy, Duran Duran in the opening, and of course, Lucy Pinder.

Hell, I barely remember him!

And on a final note.....

After I watched this flick, I read an article where it states that the box office takings in the UK amounted to £38. Now I've seen a lot of bad movies in the cinema over the years, and if I was to think of one film that deserved to do less than that paltry amount this year, it would be Movie 43. I had a choice to either post this sketch or the one that's even worse than Batman & Robin (and I didn't even think that was possible). As for posting copyrighted material; I'm not the one who uploaded it onto YouTube, so it doesn't matter to me if it's taken down. Besides, if it's less money going into the filmmakers' pockets, then I approve. Because this "movie" is f**king awful.