Aside from what I watched film wise, I also managed to watch "Wrestlemania XXIX", which was pretty watchable, even though I figured out beforehand who was going to win the main matches of the night, and I don't even watch wrestling as much as I did in the past. In preparation for "WMXXIX", I decided to take a look at a film I bought a few months ago, given that it stars three former WWE wrestlers. Plus I'm a sucker for movies starring wrestlers, especially when they're bad.
When I first saw this for sale, I didn't even look at the back of the DVD case to see what it was about. I was already sold by the cover alone, which had the tagline "featuring the stars of TNA Wrestling". Despite the fact that Psycho Sid was never in TNA to begin with, so before I even watched the movie, the cover is already guilty of false advertising.
Despite the presence of three wrestlers in this film, judging by the cover alone, I figured it was just going to be another action movie starring wrestlers, which are a dime a dozen. And given that the price tag was five euros, it was enough for me to purchase it, in order to satisfy my curiosity.
As for my opinions on each of the wrestlers, and any notable appearances in film:
Kurt Angle: one of the greatest professional wrestlers of all time, his in-ring work and persona is impeccable, and is even more of a joy to watch in live events. So it was fitting that he starred in "Warrior", and is also cast in the new Michael Bay film "Pain & Gain" (with The Rock and Marky Mark).
Diesel (Kevin Nash): I liked the guy when I watched wrestling during the early nineties. Never did see WCW during the Saturday Night Wars/NWO days. Although I never realised he was Super Shredder in "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret Of The Ooze". Only film I can think of in which he stars is "The Punisher". Which is an alright film, but nothing compared to "Punisher: War Zone".
Sid Justice (Psycho Sid/Sid Vicious): again one of the early nineties wrestling stars, and another favourite of mine back then. The only notable thing of which he's known for is when he broke his leg in the ring (video here), which pretty much finished his career. Still painful everytime I see it.
WARNING: SPOILERS
84 minutes later.....
In my "Wrong Side Of Town" review, I mentioned the false advertising the cover brought, with the cover dedicated to a character who wasn't the main focus of the film. Well, this film managed to top that.
When I look at the cover, I see the images of fire, explosions, a burly man holding a gun, an exploding car, a helicopter, and two speedboats looking to be in a chase, and the fact that it stars three wrestlers who are not really known for their acting chops outside the ring. Now these elements would indicate that this is an action flick. Even the font of the film title would suggest so.
From the very beginning of the film, whatever expectations I had of this film were immediately dashed, as I realised that this wasn't going to be a modestly budgeted action flick. Far from it, this one turned out to be a very cheaply made, strangely shot horror film. Granted I didn't pay attention to the film summary on the back of the DVD case, but when you look at the cover above, you would not think for a second that this would be a film about the undead terrorizing a small town.
Confused by this, I checked the net to see if there were any alternative covers to the one I got on the DVD cover, in which I saw what the Blu-Ray case had instead. It looked like a bad photoshop composite, but at least it fit with the tone of the actual movie.
Speaking of which, to summarise this film in one word would be "basic", which can be applied to the acting, plot, sets, camera angles, editing, make up, and even the two blood splatter effects that last for a split second. It's not enough to say they are bad, in which they are, but combined together they give the impression that no effort was made to make anything stand out, whether it be good, bad, or even emotive. Which as a result makes the film a bore to watch, with the only thing of interest is the questionable logic as to why this movie was made in the first place.
I can't really comment on the acting ability of Kurt Angle, who plays Sheriff Logan, who investigates the murders committed by the undead Jacobs Boys. He doesn't come across as a bad actor, but that's because everyone else's bad acting make him look like a thespian in comparison. I'm not sure how much Angle, along with the other two wrestlers, were paid to be in this movie, but it must be where the majority of the budget went to. It certainly didn't go towards the monster make up for Kevin Nash and Psycho Sid. They looked like rejected members from Eurovision winners Lordi. And even they had more money towards their film, nevermind make-up.
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| And no, I don't know who played the third Jacobs Boy. |
What really enhances the cheap sets in this movie is the use of a wide angle lens for nearly every shot, even the outdoor scenes. I got the impression that only two cameras were used throughout the filming process; the wide lens camera, and one for the close ups. There is not much in terms of cutaways and camera angles, so the film not only looks visually boring, but there are better shots seen in amateur film making.
These low budget elements could be forgiven if the film was in any way entertaining. But that's not the case here, as the film has a serious tone to it, which doesn't work not only for the fact that the budget is barely non-existent, but the fact that the story is so basic that anything added to it, such as backstory, or progression relating to character development and plot, is absent. The film talks about the journey Angle makes to finding out the truth, but all we get is him talking about how he found his research by going to the library. I guess it wasn't in the budget to film him reading a book.
The biggest flaw with the movie comes with the twist in the finale. Involving one of the paranormal researchers revealing her connection to the events of the town, it comes so late within the film that the only impact it succeeded in making is one of confusion and disbelief. With two minutes left before the end credits, not only does the film throw in an explanation as to her connection to one of the townsfolk, but it then follows a monologue which explains her actions, which was connected to an incident in the towns past briefly mentioned earlier in the movie.
With less than two minutes left, this is a lot of unexpected information coming from a character who was barely onscreen for the entire movie. Hell, I actually forgot that she was in the opening scene, even when she reappears with the other two ghost hunters. Their presence throughout the movie was so minimal that despite the revelation of the true identity of one of them, they still come across as pointless. The group add nothing to the story, other than to the body count left by the wrestling zombies.
Verdict?
After I finished watching this, I finally looked at the back of the DVD case to read the synopsis of the film, which included this paragraph:
"When Logan discovers that the murders are committed by the spirits of old river squatters, the Jacobs Boys, the town explodes into a battlefield of blazing guns and zombies".
As if I needed to find another case of false advertising from the DVD case, apparently this battlefield consists of two boats alongside each other (with one of them sneaking up on the other, which I still can't understand), and a gun being used twice, in the very few scenes where a gun is shown. I am still amazed by how off the mark this film is, from its promotion to the actual content.
I could make fun of the three wrestlers resorting to starring in a terrible, no budget, hastily made movie. But since these guys are not with the WWE in any capacity, I guess they have to take whatever work they can get. And if it wasn't for their inclusion, this film wouldn't even get a look in, not even from me, and I do watch my fair share of bad movies.
So with that, if you are in the mood to watch an extremely cheap horror flick which stars a somewhat recognisable name from a profession outside of acting.....just watch "Cradle Of Fear", starring Dani Filth from the band "Cradle Of Filth". Granted I was very drunk when I watched it, hence I don't remember much of what went on. But I do know that while it was pretty rubbish, at least it was more entertaining than this.
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| Well, it has better "TNA" than "River Of Darkness". |
And on a final note.....
On a sad note, today I found out that Deftones bass player Chi Cheng passed away on 13/04/13, five years after the car accident which left him in a coma since then. I'm glad that I managed to see him play live with the band, and it's a shame that his life was cut short. Below is the band's best album in my opinion; "Around The Fur". Sometimes I find it hard to believe that this album is just over 15 years old. For those who never heard it, for whatever reason, check it out. RIP Chi Cheng.
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