Blind Tag (River Of Darkness)

Beginning with the usual round up of what I watched this week, these include "Piranha 3DD" (not as good as the first one, a bit sloppy but it has it's funny moments, especially when David Hasselhoff appears), "976-EVIL-2" (very dull, only watched it after seeing "Popatopolis" a while back), "Foxy Brown" (very entertaining blaxploitation flick that manages to get laughs from the fact that it's played straight), "American Scary" (while the "horror host" is an interesting topic, it doesn't translate well to viewers outside of the States, where the practice is barely known). Not to mention I also watched "Airplane!" and "Spaceballs", two of the greatest spoof movies ever made.

Aside from what I watched film wise, I also managed to watch "Wrestlemania XXIX", which was pretty watchable, even though I figured out beforehand who was going to win the main matches of the night, and I don't even watch wrestling as much as I did in the past. In preparation for "WMXXIX", I decided to take a look at a film I bought a few months ago, given that it stars three former WWE wrestlers. Plus I'm a sucker for movies starring wrestlers, especially when they're bad.

When I first saw this for sale, I didn't even look at the back of the DVD case to see what it was about. I was already sold by the cover alone, which had the tagline "featuring the stars of TNA Wrestling". Despite the fact that Psycho Sid was never in TNA to begin with, so before I even watched the movie, the cover is already guilty of false advertising.

Despite the presence of three wrestlers in this film, judging by the cover alone, I figured it was just going to be another action movie starring wrestlers, which are a dime a dozen. And given that the price tag was five euros, it was enough for me to purchase it, in order to satisfy my curiosity.

As for my opinions on each of the wrestlers, and any notable appearances in film:

Kurt Angle: one of the greatest professional wrestlers of all time, his in-ring work and persona is impeccable, and is even more of a joy to watch in live events. So it was fitting that he starred in "Warrior", and is also cast in the new Michael Bay film "Pain & Gain" (with The Rock and Marky Mark).

Diesel (Kevin Nash): I liked the guy when I watched wrestling during the early nineties. Never did see WCW during the Saturday Night Wars/NWO days. Although I never realised he was Super Shredder in "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret Of The Ooze". Only film I can think of in which he stars is "The Punisher". Which is an alright film, but nothing compared to "Punisher: War Zone".

Sid Justice (Psycho Sid/Sid Vicious): again one of the early nineties wrestling stars, and another favourite of mine back then. The only notable thing of which he's known for is when he broke his leg in the ring (video here), which pretty much finished his career. Still painful everytime I see it.

WARNING: SPOILERS

84 minutes later.....

In my "Wrong Side Of Town" review, I mentioned the false advertising the cover brought, with the cover dedicated to a character who wasn't the main focus of the film. Well, this film managed to top that.

When I look at the cover, I see the images of fire, explosions, a burly man holding a gun, an exploding car, a helicopter, and two speedboats looking to be in a chase, and the fact that it stars three wrestlers who are not really known for their acting chops outside the ring. Now these elements would indicate that this is an action flick. Even the font of the film title would suggest so.

From the very beginning of the film, whatever expectations I had of this film were immediately dashed, as I realised that this wasn't going to be a modestly budgeted action flick. Far from it, this one turned out to be a very cheaply made, strangely shot horror film. Granted I didn't pay attention to the film summary on the back of the DVD case, but when you look at the cover above, you would not think for a second that this would be a film about the undead terrorizing a small town.

Confused by this, I checked the net to see if there were any alternative covers to the one I got on the DVD cover, in which I saw what the Blu-Ray case had instead. It looked like a bad photoshop composite, but at least it fit with the tone of the actual movie.

Speaking of which, to summarise this film in one word would be "basic", which can be applied to the acting, plot, sets, camera angles, editing, make up, and even the two blood splatter effects that last for a split second. It's not enough to say they are bad, in which they are, but combined together they give the impression that no effort was made to make anything stand out, whether it be good, bad, or even emotive. Which as a result makes the film a bore to watch, with the only thing of interest is the questionable logic as to why this movie was made in the first place.

I can't really comment on the acting ability of Kurt Angle, who plays Sheriff Logan, who investigates the murders committed by the undead Jacobs Boys. He doesn't come across as a bad actor, but that's because everyone else's bad acting make him look like a thespian in comparison. I'm not sure how much Angle, along with the other two wrestlers, were paid to be in this movie, but it must be where the majority of the budget went to. It certainly didn't go towards the monster make up for Kevin Nash and Psycho Sid. They looked like rejected members from Eurovision winners Lordi. And even they had more money towards their film, nevermind make-up.

And no, I don't know who played the third Jacobs Boy.

What really enhances the cheap sets in this movie is the use of a wide angle lens for nearly every shot, even the outdoor scenes. I got the impression that only two cameras were used throughout the filming process; the wide lens camera, and one for the close ups. There is not much in terms of cutaways and camera angles, so the film not only looks visually boring, but there are better shots seen in amateur film making.

These low budget elements could be forgiven if the film was in any way entertaining. But that's not the case here, as the film has a serious tone to it, which doesn't work not only for the fact that the budget is barely non-existent, but the fact that the story is so basic that anything added to it, such as backstory, or progression relating to character development and plot, is absent. The film talks about the journey Angle makes to finding out the truth, but all we get is him talking about how he found his research by going to the library. I guess it wasn't in the budget to film him reading a book.

The biggest flaw with the movie comes with the twist in the finale. Involving one of the paranormal researchers revealing her connection to the events of the town, it comes so late within the film that the only impact it succeeded in making is one of confusion and disbelief. With two minutes left before the end credits, not only does the film throw in an explanation as to her connection to one of the townsfolk, but it then follows a monologue which explains her actions, which was connected to an incident in the towns past briefly mentioned earlier in the movie.

With less than two minutes left, this is a lot of unexpected information coming from a character who was barely onscreen for the entire movie. Hell, I actually forgot that she was in the opening scene, even when she reappears with the other two ghost hunters. Their presence throughout the movie was so minimal that despite the revelation of the true identity of one of them, they still come across as pointless. The group add nothing to the story, other than to the body count left by the wrestling zombies.

Verdict?

After I finished watching this, I finally looked at the back of the DVD case to read the synopsis of the film, which included this paragraph:

"When Logan discovers that the murders are committed by the spirits of old river squatters, the Jacobs Boys, the town explodes into a battlefield of blazing guns and zombies".

As if I needed to find another case of false advertising from the DVD case, apparently this battlefield consists of two boats alongside each other (with one of them sneaking up on the other, which I still can't understand), and a gun being used twice, in the very few scenes where a gun is shown. I am still amazed by how off the mark this film is, from its promotion to the actual content.

I could make fun of the three wrestlers resorting to starring in a terrible, no budget, hastily made movie. But since these guys are not with the WWE in any capacity, I guess they have to take whatever work they can get. And if it wasn't for their inclusion, this film wouldn't even get a look in, not even from me, and I do watch my fair share of bad movies.

So with that, if you are in the mood to watch an extremely cheap horror flick which stars a somewhat recognisable name from a profession outside of acting.....just watch "Cradle Of Fear", starring Dani Filth from the band "Cradle Of Filth". Granted I was very drunk when I watched it, hence I don't remember much of what went on. But I do know that while it was pretty rubbish, at least it was more entertaining than this.

Well, it has better "TNA" than "River Of Darkness".

And on a final note.....

On a sad note, today I found out that Deftones bass player Chi Cheng passed away on 13/04/13, five years after the car accident which left him in a coma since then. I'm glad that I managed to see him play live with the band, and it's a shame that his life was cut short. Below is the band's best album in my opinion; "Around The Fur". Sometimes I find it hard to believe that this album is just over 15 years old. For those who never heard it, for whatever reason, check it out. RIP Chi Cheng.

Triple Threat (Wrong Side Of Town)

And now ladies and gentlemen, the first proper blog entry for the year 2013. I've already talked about what I've been up to the past few months, so I'm just gonna recommend that you check out Mea Maxima Culpa: Silence In The House Of God when it comes out in the cinema. I saw it on Friday evening as part of the Jameson Dublin International Film Festival, where a Q&A session was held after the screening, which unfortunately had one offended audience member calling it a disgrace, asking the director if he was a Catholic in the process.

I also watched John Dies At The End this evening, and while I found it enjoyable and funny for the most part, unfortunately I felt the storyline was a little incoherent and I got the impression that I needed to read the book in order to figure out what was going on. Not to mention that it looked like the filmmakers ran out of money towards the end.

Before I attended "Mea Maxima Culpa", I went around town looking for some films to buy. With the absence of HMV, instead of buying cheap films that I've heard of, or willing to take a chance on, the only stores still around have a selection of films that not only have I never heard of, but are somewhat "questionable". But then again, maybe these "questionable" films would provide inspiration for future articles.

One of the DVDs I bought for a fiver was River Of Darkness, of which not only had I ever heard of it before, but I didn't even read the back cover to see what it was about. All I saw was the tagline "featuring the stars of TNA Wrestling", of which three are listed on the front. While coming home from town, it dawned on me that I had another film lying around which also stars three wrestlers that had made their mark in WWE in the past.

Blu-Ray cover

Films starring a wrestler in the main role are always questionable (while I still think See No Evil was an enjoyable enough movie, for what it is). Two wrestlers onscreen can be a bit too much (even Suburban Commando ruined the mystique of The Undertaker in the early years). But three wrestlers? It doesn't take a movie critic to figure out that the film in question is more than likely going to be a steaming pile of crap. I guess the only people these types of films are aiming for are the wrestling fans themselves. But even they can be critical, depending on who is featured (mainly John Cena).

As for my opinions of the former WWE wrestlers featured in "Wrong Side Of Town", I would classify them as the following:

The Good

The Bad

And The Ugly

The Good: Rob Van Dam (aka. RVD), who is one of my favourite wrestlers, with his mixture of athletic ability and hardcore wrestling sensibilities. Been meaning to buy the RVD DVD, now that I think about it as I type this. Never ceases to amaze and entertain, whether it be ECW, WWE or TNA. Not to mention an independent show I attended where he had a hardcore match with Sabu.

The Bad: Deacon Batista, using his real name, Dave Bautista in the credits. I refer to him by his first gimmick in WWE, as I never thought much of him when he started to become popular. I was never impressed with his mic work and in ring style, which came off as an Ultimate Warrior clone, but without the personality and talent. I always wondered who pisses into this guy's cup when he gets drug tested. Not only that, outside the ring he is a complete asshole, with stories of his altercation with Booker T, his part in getting former wrestling "diva" Ariel (aka. Shelly Martinez) fired from WWE (as she was my favourite female character at the time), and instances where he displays his massive ego, especially when it gets bruised when the crowd boo him. One of the most undeserving people to become famous through wrestling.

The Ugly: Nelson Frazier Jr., who is better known as King Mabel (pre WWE Attitude Era), Viscera (Attitude Era) and Big Daddy V (post Attitude Era). A reliable mid-carder that I enjoyed watching, despite the fact that he looked like a man whose man boobs were melting (see above) and his finishing move was more homo erotic than the Bronco Buster.

So, with my expectations already set low, I sat down to watch it the film. I had to watch it on my laptop, as the DVD was a pirate copy that my folks picked up at a market, and stopped working on my PS3 at the 20 minute mark.

WARNING: SPOILERS

DVD cover

88 minutes later.....

In the words of ECW commentator Joey Styles: "Oh my GOD!" My expectations were low to begin with, but nothing prepared me for how bafflingly terrible this movie was.

On paper, it reads like your sub standard action flick, with a hint of The Warriors. But trying to write about why this movie was so bad is like trying to write about everything wrong with "The Room". Not only would this article take an eternity to write at the pace I'm going, but I believe that this film should be seen to be believed. Hell, even director/writer/producer David DeFalco makes a cameo as a gang leader, in a fight scene where RVD grabs Viscera's crotch during a struggle (what is it with Big Daddy V's crotch?). And according to IMDb, that's what the director looks like everyday.

Tommy Wiseau with muscles?

There are so many continuity errors, gaping plot holes, stupid decisions made by the characters, odd scenes, and even during one fight sequence, strange sound effects, that merely writing them down and putting them in context, wouldn't be sufficient into describing the feeling I got while watching this film. Using "The Room" as an example, it's like watching that movie without the knowledge of it being one of the best "worst" movies of all time, and being amazed by the stupidity of it all. Which would have been fine but for one small problem. The action onscreen is piss poor.

The fight scenes and car/motorbike chases are so uninspired and poorly choreographed that I'm amazed they never did anything utilising the talents of RVD. The guy is known for his agility and martial arts knowledge, but whenever he's put into action, it just comes off as boring to watch. With the exception of the song in the opening credits (which looked like a budget version of a James Bond intro), the music varies from sub-standard rap to emo-style metal, neither of which fit with what anything goes onscreen.

The supporting cast can either be lumped as pointless (RVD's black neighbour), boring (RVD's wife), or bland (RVD's daughter). While there was more effort in its "stunt casting", it also comes off as odd. There are cameos from rappers Ja Rule and, erm, some guy called Omarion. Can't say I ever heard of the latter, to be honest. Another somewhat notable appearance comes from adult entertainer and one time aspiring politician, Stormy Daniels, who I know from "The 40 Year Old Virgin" and "Knocked Up".....and nothing else, I swear.

And now, the first gratuitous shot of  2013

The one thing that I found completely baffling throughout the movie are its main actors. I have mentioned RVD numerous times in this article, as he is the main focal point of the story, and I have just mentioned Ja Rule's cameo. But the guy who is the main focus of the film, in terms of the DVD & Blu-Ray covers, is Batista. And I'm not ignoring him because of my dislike of they guy. The reason he is barely mentioned since the intro is because he is only onscreen somwhere between 10-15 minutes.

Look at the covers above. It's not like Batman making a limited appearance in "The Dark Knight Rises", Batista is in a supporting role, yet he is pushed to the front of the box art. Hell, even Ja Rule makes an appearance on the cover, and he's only onscreen for 2-3 minutes, in a scene which contains the most brainless 180 turn in the history of film making. While RVD is our hero onscreen, he is pushed to the background.

And the worst thing is, while I already bitched about him at the beginning of this article, I have to admit that Batista is a better actor compared to RVD, who is so wooden, he even makes Jean Claude Van Damme look like an Oscar winning thespian. Even the introduction of Batista's character was barely noticeable, as I was too busy staring at a topless Stormy Daniels to care. And believe me, that was the only genuine highlight of this movie.

And I'm sure she's the highlight of this article, to some who read this

Verdict?

This film is so bad that there were times I had to pause the DVD, just so I could scream at the screen over how idiotic it was. Other times my mouth was just open in shock. That said, once I finished watching it, I actually found myself appreciating it on a "so awful it's funny" level. But because of the below standard action scenes, it just misses out on being lumped in with the likes of "The Room", "Troll 2" and "Birdemic: Shock And Terror". It would still be terrible, but at least it would have found an audience that would even inspire late night screenings in theatres, as opposed to straight-to-DVD.

Hmm, Straight-To-DVD? Maybe these types of films can be called STD's.....or maybe not.

And on a final note.....

As I mentioned Ariel (also known as Salinas during her time in TNA) earlier on, she was featured in a Smashing Pumpkins video along with Raven, who I mentioned before was one of my inspirations for the title of this very blog.