Ugh, as I write this, I am dealing with a massive hangover. I guess I'm getting too old for this shit. And what do I do when I wake up? Get a glass of water? Something to eat? Fresh air? Nope, this blog entry. That's how dedicated I am (joke). Just as well I have this weeks film review written up beforehand. But first, day three of the festival.
Lisa And The Devil
I was too busy getting up, and writing yesterday's article to attend this screening. Plus after watching "Bay Of Blood", I wasn't too pushed on seeing another Mario Bava film. And given my current state, I'll be giving "Black Sunday" a miss also.
If they showed this film, purely based on its English title, then I would have gone.
Future review?
247*F
All I can say about this film is that it shows beautiful but unlikable Americans in trouble. The idea is interesting (and apparently it's based on true life events), but the characters themselves are quite annoying, so I found it hard to feel sympathy for them in their predicament.
Plus I found it funny that the film stars Tyler Mane and Scout Taylor Compton, who were Michael Myers and Laurie in the Rob Zombie "Halloween" films. Speaking of which.....
House Of 1000 Corpses
The Irish film "Citadel" (which I saw at Horrorthon 2012) was meant to be in this spot, but due to distribution problems, it was replaced with Rob Zombie's first film; "HO1C", which I already wrote about last year. Not much more I can say about it, other than that it was nice to see it on the big screen. And in a church.
The short film "Out There" was shown before the film, and the screening was attended by the director and actress of the film. I also saw it last year at the Horrorthon (can't remember which film it played before), and it's a well shot film, even if the influences are obvious onscreen. But it does have a bit of Irish humour thrown in, which gives it its own identity.
The Bay
I've mentioned before on this blog that "found footage" films don't work in a cinema environment. That said, this film felt more like an actual film, so I didn't find myself immersed in the events shown onscreen. Camera shots too perfect to be seen as amateur, characters that you could care less about, especially the narrator, and the documentary tone makes it a little stupid to watch. Hands down the worst "found footage" film I've ever seen.
Sawney: Flesh Of Man
I decided to skip this movie in order to meet up with a casual acquaintance who is from here. And after a couple of drinks and shots, I feel like this:
For the second day, I managed to watch everything bar one film, which exceeded my expectations as I was going to skip the last film, just so I can venture around the city centre. But by the end, I was pretty cosy where I was, and it was bloody cold. Plus I realised that I didn't have the energy to go out, not to mention I was pretty tired after a drunken Thursday night. So I went back to the hostel afterwards and got myself a good night's sleep.
So what did I end up watching and missing? The films on Friday were as follows:
Bay Of Blood
During the festival there is a Mario Bava retrospective, where three of his films are being shown throughout the weekend. I have never heard of the man to begin with, and judging by this film, I would be hard pushed to check out the other two. The English dubbing track distracted me from an already confusing storyline, not to mention some of the effects and lack of music may have been revolutionary at the time, but now just look dated. Plus it didn't help that two of the male leads look nearly the same. I found myself almost falling asleep throughout the film, with the only notable scenes being some woman swimming in the nude (naturally), and an admittedly unexpected ending.
Blood For Irina
If I was finding myself dozing off during the last film, this one was a constant struggle to keep myself awake. I'm sure this type of movie would be appreciated by arty types, as you would need to acquire a level of pretentiousness to sit through this movie. A film with nearly zero dialogue, it almost feels like it's going for the arthouse route to hide the fact that it's a cheaply made film with little going on in the first place. I got the impression that you had to fill in the gaps yourself, but with no strong narrative, it's just a plain bore. However I was impressed by the soundtrack, just a shame it was wasted on this film.
Instead of posting the trailer for this film (click here if you want to check it out), I'm just gonna post a teaser for the short film that preceded it; "Wireboy". While I kinda dug the visuals with its VHS style and the accompanying score, I'll be damned if I knew what was going on in the first place.
The Hidden Face
After two boring films, I needed to wake myself up, so I just went out on the town for food, drink, and stretching of the legs. So instead of posting the trailer for this one, here's the poster for the next film:
Bela Kiss: Prologue
At time of writing, I haven't checked to see what "true story" this was based on. The film had an interesting start, where I was surprised by some directions it went, and a setting that was very similar to "The Shining" in terms of the surreal nature of the hotel. While it did fall into cliches towards the second half, not to mention that this feels like a teaser for either a sequel or an aspiring franchise, I found it to be decent enough.
There was also a short film preceding this, which was directed by one of the actresses in "Bela Kiss: Prologue". Titled "As Human As Animal", it stars former wrestler Diamond Dallas Page and.....well, in its five minute runtime, there's not much to go on, other than the fact it stars DDP.
The Tall Man
Compared to the previous film, this one actually starts off as a typical, cliched American style horror film (it's actually a Canadian/French production), but then it goes in a direction that I didn't expect, which was a welcome surprise. While it kinda falls flat in the end, I was impressed with its originality, even though I don't think Jessica Biel should have been cast, which gives the film the substandard horror feel of today's films.
And on a final note.....
Been listening to this album a lot this weekend, especially when I go to sleep. Really good, one of Anathema's best albums in my opinion.
I am currently in Cork for the first "Twisted Celluloid" Film Festival. I had some leave left in work before the next holiday entitlements start in April, so I thought I may as well spend the weekend watching cult/horror films. Much like I did with the Horrorthonupdatesfromlastyear, I will be giving my brief opinions of the films, along with other events documenting my experience. In otherwords, the reasons why I skipped certain films, what I got up during and afterwards, and other experiences I deem interesting to write about.
With that, I will also make my newly scheduled weekly blog post deadline on a Sunday, which I managed to start writing on the train to Cork. Which means I won't be in a mad rush to write it on the actual day, and not taking the easy way out and just cover the festival. Like I said, I want to make a proper stab at updating this blog on a regular basis.
In what hopes to be a regular fixture in the city of Cork, the festival takes place in the Triskel Arts Centre, which hosts its screenings in a converted church, which gives the theatre a cool unique look. As Thursday was the opening night, the film to kickstart the proceedings (preceded by a short film called "Yellow") was the Irish premiere screening of.....
Maniac
A remake of the 1980 flick starring Elijah Wood, this is an interesting re-imagining of the original, which is for the most part shown from a first person perspective, with some comparisons to the excellent "Drive" in terms of soundtrack, cinematography, and a main character who on the outside shows little emotion. It did tend to drag in places, but it seemed decent enough.
What I mean by that last sentence was that, I unexpectedly got very drunk last night, so my interpretation was a little skewed. I don't really drink that much nowadays, so the alcohol hit me like a lightweight. It wa either the complementary glass of wine on opening night, or the three bottles of Paulaner beer, along with the other three pints I had at the pub across the river, that were to blame.
Right now I remember the majority of the film, but some parts are a little hazy, so I think another viewing next week would be in order. As for Elijah Wood, I'm impressed with some of his choice in roles after the "LOTR" trilogy, such as "Sin City" and "Wilfred". From my first impression, it seems like a film that deserves another viewing at least. As long as I keep the alcohol intake to the bare minimum, of course.
And on a final note.....
Interesting story behind the song "Maniac" from the film "Flashdance". The original lyrics for the song were based on the original movie but were scrapped in the end.
And now ladies and gentlemen, the first proper blog entry for the year 2013. I've already talked about what I've been up to the past few months, so I'm just gonna recommend that you check out Mea Maxima Culpa: Silence In The House Of God when it comes out in the cinema. I saw it on Friday evening as part of the Jameson Dublin International Film Festival, where a Q&A session was held after the screening, which unfortunately had one offended audience member calling it a disgrace, asking the director if he was a Catholic in the process.
I also watched John Dies At The End this evening, and while I found it enjoyable and funny for the most part, unfortunately I felt the storyline was a little incoherent and I got the impression that I needed to read the book in order to figure out what was going on. Not to mention that it looked like the filmmakers ran out of money towards the end.
Before I attended "Mea Maxima Culpa", I went around town looking for some films to buy. With the absence of HMV, instead of buying cheap films that I've heard of, or willing to take a chance on, the only stores still around have a selection of films that not only have I never heard of, but are somewhat "questionable". But then again, maybe these "questionable" films would provide inspiration for future articles.
One of the DVDs I bought for a fiver was River Of Darkness, of which not only had I ever heard of it before, but I didn't even read the back cover to see what it was about. All I saw was the tagline "featuring the stars of TNA Wrestling", of which three are listed on the front. While coming home from town, it dawned on me that I had another film lying around which also stars three wrestlers that had made their mark in WWE in the past.
Blu-Ray cover
Films starring a wrestler in the main role are always questionable (while I still think See No Evil was an enjoyable enough movie, for what it is). Two wrestlers onscreen can be a bit too much (even Suburban Commando ruined the mystique of The Undertaker in the early years). But three wrestlers? It doesn't take a movie critic to figure out that the film in question is more than likely going to be a steaming pile of crap. I guess the only people these types of films are aiming for are the wrestling fans themselves. But even they can be critical, depending on who is featured (mainly John Cena).
As for my opinions of the former WWE wrestlers featured in "Wrong Side Of Town", I would classify them as the following:
The Good
The Bad
And The Ugly
The Good: Rob Van Dam (aka. RVD), who is one of my favourite wrestlers, with his mixture of athletic ability and hardcore wrestling sensibilities. Been meaning to buy the RVD DVD, now that I think about it as I type this. Never ceases to amaze and entertain, whether it be ECW, WWE or TNA. Not to mention an independent show I attended where he had a hardcore match with Sabu.
The Bad: Deacon Batista, using his real name, Dave Bautista in the credits. I refer to him by his first gimmick in WWE, as I never thought much of him when he started to become popular. I was never impressed with his mic work and in ring style, which came off as an Ultimate Warrior clone, but without the personality and talent. I always wondered who pisses into this guy's cup when he gets drug tested. Not only that, outside the ring he is a complete asshole, with stories of his altercation with Booker T, his part in getting former wrestling "diva" Ariel (aka. Shelly Martinez) fired from WWE (as she was my favourite female character at the time), and instances where he displays his massive ego, especially when it gets bruised when the crowd boo him. One of the most undeserving people to become famous through wrestling.
The Ugly: Nelson Frazier Jr., who is better known as King Mabel (pre WWE Attitude Era), Viscera (Attitude Era) and Big Daddy V (post Attitude Era). A reliable mid-carder that I enjoyed watching, despite the fact that he looked like a man whose man boobs were melting (see above) and his finishing move was more homo erotic than the Bronco Buster.
So, with my expectations already set low, I sat down to watch it the film. I had to watch it on my laptop, as the DVD was a pirate copy that my folks picked up at a market, and stopped working on my PS3 at the 20 minute mark.
WARNING: SPOILERS
DVD cover
88 minutes later.....
In the words of ECW commentator Joey Styles: "Oh my GOD!" My expectations were low to begin with, but nothing prepared me for how bafflingly terrible this movie was.
On paper, it reads like your sub standard action flick, with a hint of The Warriors. But trying to write about why this movie was so bad is like trying to write about everything wrong with "The Room". Not only would this article take an eternity to write at the pace I'm going, but I believe that this film should be seen to be believed. Hell, even director/writer/producer David DeFalco makes a cameo as a gang leader, in a fight scene where RVD grabs Viscera's crotch during a struggle (what is it with Big Daddy V's crotch?). And according to IMDb, that's what the director looks like everyday.
Tommy Wiseau with muscles?
There are so many continuity errors, gaping plot holes, stupid decisions made by the characters, odd scenes, and even during one fight sequence, strange sound effects, that merely writing them down and putting them in context, wouldn't be sufficient into describing the feeling I got while watching this film. Using "The Room" as an example, it's like watching that movie without the knowledge of it being one of the best "worst" movies of all time, and being amazed by the stupidity of it all. Which would have been fine but for one small problem. The action onscreen is piss poor.
The fight scenes and car/motorbike chases are so uninspired and poorly choreographed that I'm amazed they never did anything utilising the talents of RVD. The guy is known for his agility and martial arts knowledge, but whenever he's put into action, it just comes off as boring to watch. With the exception of the song in the opening credits (which looked like a budget version of a James Bond intro), the music varies from sub-standard rap to emo-style metal, neither of which fit with what anything goes onscreen.
The supporting cast can either be lumped as pointless (RVD's black neighbour), boring (RVD's wife), or bland (RVD's daughter). While there was more effort in its "stunt casting", it also comes off as odd. There are cameos from rappers Ja Rule and, erm, some guy called Omarion. Can't say I ever heard of the latter, to be honest. Another somewhat notable appearance comes from adult entertainer and one time aspiring politician, Stormy Daniels, who I know from "The 40 Year Old Virgin" and "Knocked Up".....and nothing else, I swear.
And now, the first gratuitous shot of 2013
The one thing that I found completely baffling throughout the movie are its main actors. I have mentioned RVD numerous times in this article, as he is the main focal point of the story, and I have just mentioned Ja Rule's cameo. But the guy who is the main focus of the film, in terms of the DVD & Blu-Ray covers, is Batista. And I'm not ignoring him because of my dislike of they guy. The reason he is barely mentioned since the intro is because he is only onscreen somwhere between 10-15 minutes.
Look at the covers above. It's not like Batman making a limited appearance in "The Dark Knight Rises", Batista is in a supporting role, yet he is pushed to the front of the box art. Hell, even Ja Rule makes an appearance on the cover, and he's only onscreen for 2-3 minutes, in a scene which contains the most brainless 180 turn in the history of film making. While RVD is our hero onscreen, he is pushed to the background.
And the worst thing is, while I already bitched about him at the beginning of this article, I have to admit that Batista is a better actor compared to RVD, who is so wooden, he even makes Jean Claude Van Damme look like an Oscar winning thespian. Even the introduction of Batista's character was barely noticeable, as I was too busy staring at a topless Stormy Daniels to care. And believe me, that was the only genuine highlight of this movie.
And I'm sure she's the highlight of this article, to some who read this
Verdict?
This film is so bad that there were times I had to pause the DVD, just so I could scream at the screen over how idiotic it was. Other times my mouth was just open in shock. That said, once I finished watching it, I actually found myself appreciating it on a "so awful it's funny" level. But because of the below standard action scenes, it just misses out on being lumped in with the likes of "The Room", "Troll 2" and "Birdemic: Shock And Terror". It would still be terrible, but at least it would have found an audience that would even inspire late night screenings in theatres, as opposed to straight-to-DVD.
Hmm, Straight-To-DVD? Maybe these types of films can be called STD's.....or maybe not.
And on a final note.....
As I mentioned Ariel (also known as Salinas during her time in TNA) earlier on, she was featured in a Smashing Pumpkins video along with Raven, who I mentioned before was one of my inspirations for the title of this very blog.
It has been close to three months since I have updated this blog, and before I get into the swing of things, I will do my usual introduction where I talk about what's going on in my life at time of writing. Because of the considerable amount of time between updates, and the fact that we're well into the year 2013, I will try to keep this short.
Without going into too much detail, the period leading up to December up to Valentines Day is that time of year where my motivation is at its lowest every year. Since the last time I posted an article, I also had a mini holiday to coincide with my birthday, survive Xmas and New Years, and start making plans at another attempt to temporarily move away from my country of residence.
I had mentioned in my previous articles about how busy I was at work, and my ongoing health problems. Both of these also came into play, what with a heavy workload during the holiday period, and with my health issues taking a small turn for the worse. Not only do these elements distracted me from this fledgling blog, but also with my reignited passion for creative writing, which once again created a "writer's block", of sorts.
As with the Halloween period last year, I will use this blog to get back into the habit of writing in some shape or form. Looking back at my work from last year, not only am I trying to pick up from where I left off, I am hoping my future output will improve through experience.
And to those who were wondering about my future blog entry ideas, I will give an idea as to when, or if, they will appear in the future:
Halloween 1 & 2 (directed by Rob Zombie): I started with the first three Zombie films during the month of November (check the links over to the right hand side), with the intention of covering these two films before I headed to Amsterdam to watch his show over there. It was during mid-November where I began to lose motivation, hence this will most likely be put forward to the month of October where I may again do another Halloween Countdown. Only this time I will write the articles in advance as keeping up with an article a day was taxing, to say the least.
Santa's Slay: this was going to be one of the films featured in another countdown I had in mind, which was "The 12 Films Of Xmas", where I would pick select films, along with others I'd never seen before. This was meant to fall into the latter category, and I even watched it last year. But again, I wasn't in the humour of writing anything. Hopefully I will come back to this theme this December, life notwithstanding.
Punisher: War Zone: I had an idea to cover the other films featuring the Punisher, where I would also watch the extended cut of the 2004 flick. Only problem is, it's not available over here, so I may need to order it, even if it will be a Region 1 DVD that I could only acquire. Not to mention I haven't seen the Dolph Lundgren version since it was floating around on YouTube.
And on a final note.....
In the first proper blog entry of 2013, I will be writing about the following film. Oh it's gonna be fun.
