Film 500: Part One - A New Post

For the first proper blog entry of the year, I decided to start with one of the new ideas I had for the site. Well, mainly because I was busy this weekend catching up with the previous weekend's WWE Royal Rumble PPV (which was a horror story in itself). Anyways, during the Horrorthon Film Festival last year, I asked myself how many movies do I watch in a year. So from the 1st November, I started making note of all the films I've watched, and I've up to Halloween of this year. I set the goal of 500, although I think I'll only make it to 400, but it would be interesting to see if I make it that far.

For a film to make the list, it doesn't matter if I've seen it before, I've to watch it once during a 12 month period (so no repeat entries, although special cases will be made for directors cuts if it's called for), and I have to watch it from start to finish. For fun I have decided to make fake awards to represent every 100 films I've watched. I've decided NOT to feature the full list, as I don't want people to complain about which film was not considered for which fictitious award.

Please note that for the sake of simplifying nominees, some films/performers may be lumped together as one. For example the five films in The Twilight Sage are counted as one. And to be honest, after watching them one after the other in a three day period, they just merged into one mind numbing terrible film.

FILM 500 AWARDS: 1-100 (1/11/13 to 27/12/13)

Above: films with the most nominations (three each).

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Best Newly Released Film

For any film that was a new release and viewed in the same year, be it cinema or home release/digital.

Thor: The Dark World
Oldboy (2013)
Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2

WINNER: Thor: The Dark World
As explained in the previous blog entry I was occupied for the winter months of 2013, so my trips to the cinema were limited, hence the lack of choices in this category. Nevertheless, this film was the Marvel Universe blockbuster that I wished for last year, after Iron Man 3 turned out to be a disappointing mess.

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Worst Newly Released Film

For any film that was a new release and viewed in the same year, be it cinema or home release/digital.

Beautiful Creatures (2013)

WINNER: Beautiful Creatures (2013)
Same explanation for the above category, and this Twilight wannabe was a bore to watch, and my only lasting memory of it was the annoying voice of one of the main characters (who is mentioned somewhere below).

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Best Film (Any Year)

.....self explanatory really.

Stake Land
Jacobs Ladder
Memento
This Is Spinal Tap
Angel Heart

WINNER: Memento
.....okay I will go on record that this is my favourite film of all time. And if I compile an awards blog entry using the winners of each 100 film bracket, then the award will go to This Is Spinal Tap.

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Worst Film (Any Year)

.....also self explanatory.

KFZ: Kentucky Fried Zombies
Treasure Buddies
Battleship
The Twilight Saga
Zonad

WINNER: Zonad
While it may be hard to believe that there is something worse than The Twilight Saga, I would sit through those movies one after the other in one day than watch this piece of crap again. A concept that would even be stupid in terms of a kids movie, and too creepy to be considered a comedy. I still don't know what audience this film is aiming towards, but it can't be the Irish, as this film is offensive in that it makes Irish people stupid and behind the times. Right up there with one of the worst films to come out of Ireland, along with Adam & Paul, and Garage.

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F**k Yeah/F**k No! Award

For any film that gets a reaction to something awesome/exciting/violent/horrifying/gruesome.

Thor: The Dark World
Pacific Rim
Hatchet & Hatchet 2
Manborg
Evil Aliens

WINNER: Pacific Rim
Whether it was on the big screen in 3D, or on the small screen in 2D, it is by far one of the best blockbuster flicks to come out last year. Even if it still sounds like the title to an adult movie.

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Most Boring/Forgettable

For any film that, while it may be bad but not the worst, it's only crime is that it bored the hell outta me, and/or the fact that it's so forgettable that I wish I had the time back that I wasted watching it.

Hell Ride
KFZ: Kentucky Fried Zombies
In The Spider's Web
The Elf Who Didn't Believe
Dear God No!

WINNER: KFZ: Kentucky Fried Zombies
One of the few films that made me fast forward through the dullest of scenes where I wasn't gonna miss anything to begin with. The only interesting part of the film is the title and DVD cover. And it's not even the original title of the movie! It was marketed with a different title from it's original name: Die-Ner (Get It?). Now that I think about it, the film never mentions that it was set in Kentucky.

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David Hasselhoff Award

For any actor(s) whose appearance comes as a surprise and/or is a novelty. Inspired by David Hasselhoff''s appearances in the likes of Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Piranha 3DD and The Spongebob Squarepants Movie.

Ozzy Osbourne & Gene Simmons (for Trick Or Treat)
Hannah Spearritt (for Seed Of Chucky)
Mila Kunis (for Santa With Muscles)
Ben Afflek (for Buffy The Vampire Slayer)
Keith Duffy (for Robocroc)

WINNER: Keith Duffy (for Robocroc)
What would have been a rubbish but entertaining monster flick from The Asylum/SyFy Channel was made that much memorable thanks to the appearance of this former Boyzone member and Coronation Street actor. Although it was confusing when one of the other characters was named "Duffy" so it sounded like Keith was talking to himself.

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Justin Timberlake Award

For any actor(s) whose performance is so bad that you want to jump up from your seat and punch the screen because they are so annoying and/or woeful as an actor. Inspired by Justin Timberlake overtaking Marky Mark Wahlberg as my most despised actor last year.

Hilary Swank (for The Reaping)
Alden Ehrenreich (for Beautiful Creatures (2013) )
The entire cast of KFZ: Kentucky Fried Zombies
The entire cast of The Twilight Saga
Sharlto Copley (for Oldboy (2013) )

WINNER: KFZ: Kentucky Fried Zombies
Once again The Twilight Saga is saved from another negative award, and I was close to giving it to Sharlto Coply, who I cannot stand watching, bar his performance in The A-Team. I understand that KFZ Die-Ner or whatever it's called was very limited in budget, it doesn't excuse the piss poor acting on display. When I finished watching the film I hoped that the three main actors never get work again.

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Roger Corman Award

For any film that involves a creature and/or a disaster that varies in quality and budget. In otherwords, anything from The Asylum/SyFy Channel. Inspired by B-Movie legend, Roger Corman.

Sharktopus
Arachnoquake
Mega Shark Vs Crocosaurus
Sharknado
Boa Vs Python

WINNER: Sharknado
This might as well be the Vertigo of cheaply made monster/disaster flicks.....well I read that Vertigo has toppled Citizen Kane for best movie of all time, so I might as well start using it. Roll on Sharknado 2 in 2014.

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Tom Hanks Award

For any film that is suitable for all the family. Inspired by the movie Big, starring Tom Hanks. In that I might as well be a big kid while watching it.

Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2
The Monster Squad
Monster Island
The Muppets Take Manhattan
Home Alone: The Holiday Heist

WINNER: The Monster Squad
I only watched it last year I wished I watched this as a kid instead of The Goonies, which to this day is still an overrated movie. Bear in mind it's an alright movie, but maybe it's because it has the annoying kid who played Short Round in Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom. But I know that if I saw The Monster Squad back then, I would have loved it.

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Pre-1D Morgan Spurlock Award

For any documentary film that I've seen. Dedicated to a time when Morgan Spurlock was a well respected documentary film maker, before he decided to take a dump on his reputation for the money by helming One Direction: This Is Us.

Catfish

WINNER: Catfish
Granted I should watch more documentaries and the only reason I checked it out because I briefly watched an episode of the TV series Catfish on MTV and was told that it originated from a documentary.

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Jamie Lee Curtis Award

The first of Immature Awards Threesome. This goes to any actress who appears naked in a film, whether it be a nude scene or sex scene. Inspired by the first time I saw a naked woman on film, which was Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places.

The female cast of Lesbian Vampire Killers
The female cast of Up! (1974)
Elizabeth Olsen (for Oldboy (2013) )
The female cast (including the alien) of Evil Aliens
Amy Groening (for Father's Day (2011) )

WINNER: The female cast of Up! (1976)
I still can't believe that the late great Roger Ebert wrote the story to this film. Considering how highly regarded he was (and still is) as a film critic, it was one of the reasons I had to check it out.....the others include Kitten Natividad and Raven De La Croix (pictured below, as she will be the main candidate when it comes to the overall awards).

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Victoria Silvstedt Award

The second of the Immature Awards Threesome. This goes to any actress who appears sexy in a film without being nude. Inspired by Victoria Silvstedt: Playmate Of The Year's cameo in BASEketball.

Tanya Roberts (for Tourist Trap)
Jennifer Tilly (for Bride Of Chucky & Seed Of Chucky)
Patti Clifton (for Blue Thunder)
Carmen Electra & Amy Smart (for Starsky & Hutch)
Linda Kozlowski (for Crocodile Dundee)

WINNER: Jennifer Tilly (for Bride Of Chucky & Seed Of Chucky)
Given that I've talked about these movies here, along with my appreciation for Jennifer Tilly, this should come as no surprise. Hmm, must watch Bound again one of these days.....

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Bill & Ted Award

The third of the Immature Awards Threesome. To round off the threesome of immature categories, this award goes to the film on the Film 500 list in which the number 69 appears. Inspired by the number Bill & Ted were thinking of in the film Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

WINNER: 69. Up! (1976)
.....it was a coincidence I swear.

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Blame Canada Award

For the best piece of music heard/used in a motion picture. Inspired by South Park: The Movie being nominated for an Academy Award for the song Blame Canada.

The soundtrack to Bride Of Chucky
Armour Hot Dogs - acapella: Sandra Bullock & Benjamin Bratt (from Demolition Man)
Just One Fix - Ministry (from Hatchet 2)
Nowhere To Run - Arnold McCuller (from The Warriors)
The soundtrack to This Is Spinal Tap

WINNER: Just One Fix - Ministry (from Hatchet 2)
A tough choice here, but I'm going with my first reaction to hearing Ministry in the opening credits to Hatchet 2, which I've mentioned on this blog before, and even posted the song in the "final note" section.

And on a final note.....

Here is the song again.

Words From The Blogger: It's Been A While

While I doubt there is anyone other than myself that checks out this blog (hell even I forget there are Facebook & Google+ pages associated with this) I shall say hello and, once again, explained my absence.

During the end of October I got some bad news that relates to my job and plans of carrying out a dream that I have had for so long, which was once again shattered, and this time for good. So my enthusiasm for completing the rest of the Halloween Countdown vanished as a result.

Following on from that was taking care of someone who had surgery in the beginning of November, which lead to two months looking after said person, rarely being home in the process. Not to mention that my health took a turn for the worse in December which lead me to be off work for the Xmas period. Even as I write this I had another hospital appointment earlier today.

Long story short (too late) I've had a lot on my plate, so my movie watching habits had no room for somewhat regular postings on this blog. As for the status of this blog, I've no idea at this point, but I would like to try and do something with it from time to time. Maybe a change in format and style which doesn't rely on extensive articles based around one film. As much fun as I have writing them, it's just a matter of finding the time that is the problem.

Nevertheless, I have one or two ideas to try out for my own amusement, and I do intend to finish the B-Movie Double Bills at some point. But whatever it may be.....I'm sure nobody will notice. But that's never been the one thing that stopped me to begin with.

Oh and Happy (belated) New Year!

And on a final note.....

Seems like an appropriate/obvious choice for this blog entry. Must listen to Break The Cycle again now that I think about it.

Halloween Countdown (Day 20: The Hitchers)

Before I jump back into the Hellraiser series with the next blog entry, in another effort to keep up with the daily posts I am posting up another short film via YouTube. During the week I picked up a free regional paper on the bus home and found an article which was about an Irish produced short film narrated and starring Orson Welles, during the long production process for his adaptation of Othello. The title of this short is officially Return To Glennascaul: A Short That Is Told In Dublin, but is also known as Orson Welles' Ghost Story.

As it's one of the rare few times that I write about anything from the early days of cinema, it's interesting to see what passes as a spooky tale back then. The music can be boisterous at times, as was the style in a lot of movies back then, which does become annoying, especially when it stops all of a sudden from time to time. As for the film itself it's an interesting gothic tale that is passable enough in terms of acting and cinematography. What does stand out is the vocal performance of Orson Welles, and the set up to the story, which is an example of art imitating life where it shows him during the filming of Othello, and onto greeting the viewers off camera. Worth a look if your knowledge of Orson Welles is only limited to watching Citizen Kane, Transformers: The Movie and The Muppet Movie.....in otherwords, me.

And on a final note.....

Thanks to focusing on the Hellraiser series, not to mention life in general, it means that I won't be able to watch the SAW films during the month. Although I'm starting to see Hellraiser's influence on the SAW films, in terms of visceral torture, so I can't complain too much. I was only reminded of SAW when I saw this yesterday. Made me laugh anyway.

Halloween Countdown (Day 19: All Trick, No Treat)

I'm really pushed for time as I realise that it's almost coming to the end of October. I've four more Hellraiser flicks to get through, not to mention my ideas for articles change by the day. I was supposed to write about The Watermen, a terrible horror flick that starts Jason Mewes (of all people). But that was a week ago, and my memory of it is already little to recall. So what do I do in this situation before I get back to the Hellraiser series? Just resort to boobies, that always works.....ahem. And so the choice of film to write about: Evil Breed: The Legend Of Sam Hain.

Starring adult actresses from the late 90s/early 00s that I recognise thanks to lads magazines and the introduction to the internet, I'll admit the casting of Jenna Jameson and Chasey Lain was enough for me to check it out, no matter how bad the movie is. Besides, there is a chance of nudity that would make it worthwhile.....but then again so did the other Jenna Jameson horror flick Zombie Strippers.....

OH YES, THERE WILL BE SPOILERS.

78 minutes later.....

Okay I am no stranger to misleading cover art, as any of my previous articles would show. But it still amazes me as to how cunning these production companies can market their film to look like it will be something that it's not. Now judging by the cover shown above. Granted if it wasn't for the mention of Richard Grieco, this could be seen as the cover for an adult flick, even a softcore one. So the next logical step is to think that this would be a cheap ass horror flick with some T&A. Well not quite.

It was about two thirds into the movie that I realised what contribution the cover star Jenna Jameson made to this film: one scene where she's walking through the woods, and the other when she is hacked to pieces. I didn't count the exact amount of time she was onscreen, but if I was to guess, it would be about three minutes. Hell, even the contribution of Chasey Lain didn't last that long, which would be understandable as it was nothing more than a cameo.....and a great cameo it was.

Not an image from the film, but who's complaining?

But that's essentially the extent to Jenna's participation. The rest of the film is a stupidly dull slasher flick that's supposedly set in Ireland, but judging by the accents of the cast, it was filmed in Canada. And apparently making the scenery look dull and drowsy gives it the impression that it's set in Ireland. Which is more convincing than the most woeful Oirish accents this side of Heroes: Season 2. And I don't know which is worse: legendary adult actress Ginger Lynn Allen putting on a fake Irish accent, or the fact that she doesn't even show any flesh in the movie, regardless of age.

Despite the brief appearances of these adult actresses, they still manage to put on better acting performances than the rest of the non-smut actors, even if it is a cheap horror film. Hell, even Richard Grieco's brief cameo was better than the rest of the actors carrying the movie. And whatever little nudity there is, they're still more interesting to watch than the scenes involving some monstrous figures that look like a cross between the Toxic Avenger and the goblins from Troll 2. Well, apart from the shower sex scene between two of the "teenagers", who are just as convincing as the so-called "teenagers" from Beverly Hills 90210.

Verdict?

Horrible dialogue, poorly executed horror tropes, a cast that makes pornstars look like Oscar winning thespians, not helped by the fact that the characters are boring themselves and the fact that they pronounce Samhain as Sam-Hain when even Halloween 3 managed to get it right all those years ago. This film is riddled with so many misfires that the only notable scene that doesn't involve bare breasts was the death scene in a bathroom. As for the ending.....I still don't know what the hell that was about.

Even the mock Halloween film the "teenagers" watch on TV was more interesting than the rest of the movie. At this moment in time, I'm almost convinced that this is actually worse than Zombie Strippers. There's only one way to find out.....aaannnddd I'm not gonna visit that film anytime soon.

And on a final note.....

My first introduction to Chasey Lain was not a visual one, but from the song by The Bloodhound Gang: The Ballad Of Chasey Lain. Still think the bleeped version is funnier than the explicit version.

Halloween Countdown (Day 18: Hatchet Double Bill)

While it may be a sort of cop-out to rely on Double Bills to boost up my declining blog posts this month, the reason I am going with the Hatchet movies are that I've never seen them before, and I'll be going to see the third one at Horrorthon this year. So I might as well check them out beforehand.

I am aware that it's already been released in the States and I'm sure I could have just ordered a copy and play it on a multi-region player, but I couldn't be bothered with the hassle. But it means I would have to miss The Human Race, which is on at the same time unfortunately.

HATCHET

My knowledge of this film was only limited to Kane Hodder (Jason in some of the Friday The 13h flicks) being the villain, and that it doesn't star Danielle Harris. But I did like the caption on the DVD case.

85 minutes later.....

While I figured there would be something to laugh about this gory film, I never expected to have so many comic elements. After so many stupid laughs I almost forgot that this was a slasher flick, especially as the main focus was the interaction of the characters/victims. Plus it helps that there were some familiar faces such as Candyman, Cordelia's friend in Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and the drive-thru owner and Hitler from Chillerama (as usual I don't bother looking at the actors' names on IMDb).

As for the principle slasher character, Victor Crowley, I found him a pretty acceptable movie monster, complete with a decent backstory that's quickly explained but sufficient in time. The look of him is admittedly silly, but given the tone of the rest of the film, it's not surprising. Especially when you see him in action that even I found myself amazed by the sick ideas the director had for the killing scenes.

As for the actress who plays heroine Marybeth, I figured that this is the character Danielle Harris took over in the second film. I don't know what the reasons are for the recasting, whether it was due to availability or the four year gap between films. But the actress in this movie was quite good in the role, even though I can't help but think what it would have been like if Danielle Harris was cast in the first place.

Verdict?

A surprisingly entertaining horror flick where it went against my expectations but for the better. I'm surprised it has taken me so long to check this out. But again if I knew it was gonna this hilarious, it would have been part of my film collection a long time ago. Plus it makes me want to check out the second film straight away.

HATCHET 2

Knowledge beforehand? This was the one that stars Danielle Harris.

85 minutes later.....

Still debating whether the actress could have pulled off the second film, as Danielle Harris is now known as one of the leading scream queens nowadays and has the reputation to carry the film in a non-villain role. Not to mention carry the sense of humour needed to be part of these types of films that she's known for, as she showed during Horrorthon last year.

Continuing right after the events from the first film, this sequel however does turn down the comedic factor slightly, despite a few nods from the original, including the reappearance of Candyman. In saying that it still has its silly interactive moments between the next crowd of characters/victims, not to mention it manages to up the ante in terms of gore and dismemberment. Plus I can't help but laugh at the film's feeble attempt to throw in nudity via a camera used in the first film (which used Mardi Gras as an excuse to show flesh).

As for Victor Crowley, not only is his backstory added with the events leading to his birth, but manages to coincide with what is going on with the film, even its connections to the characters themselves. This makes for the character of Crowley to be a little more layered, even if he is just a killing machine onscreen. Granted the story is a little ridiculous, but that's to go with the tone of the series anyway.

Verdict?

Once you get used to the small change of pace comedy and character wise, this turns out to be a pretty decent sequel that manages to deliver in terms of hilarity and gruesome scenes not for the squeamish. If the series was to end here, it would have been a fitting end to the series of films, even though I wouldn't say no to another sequel. Just as well I have the third film to look forward to over the next couple of days.

Double Bill Verdict?

Other than the obvious answer that the films are linked, but it's the way that they finish so abruptly, with the second one picking up from where the first film left off, which does make for a handy transition for the recasting of Marybeth. Just as well I had the second one ready to watch, even though my copy seems to have a hidden scratch so with some fiddling around with the rewind button, I only missed two minutes of the film, which seems to be a dialogue scene where I picked up on the end of the conversation, so it's not a total loss of film enjoyment. That said, I am now looking forward to watching the third film next week. And of course, to seeing Danielle Harris onscreen again.

And on a final note.....

Coincidentally the opening credits of the second film contains the Ministry track: Just One Fix.