Film 500: Part 4 - Attack Of The Delays

Once again, just as I was about to get started on a couple of blog posts for the month of October, something happened in my private life that needed my full attention. Hell, the only reason I've gotten around to this was due to getting a cold. Unbelievable.

Right, enough of my personal strife, let's get on with the next set of "awards" before I reach the 500 mark. Also there was a total of 13 films tied with the most nominations (two each) so for the opening picture I'm just gonna pick the person who is one of the winners. Check below to see which award she won and how.

FILM 500 AWARDS: 201-300 (02/05/14 to 25/07/14)

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Best Newly Released Film

For any film that was a new release and viewed in the same year, be it cinema or home release/digital.

Calvary
Cheap Thrills
The Borderlands
Cold In July
Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes

WINNER: Calvary
I have watched a few good films so far this year, and if there's any film that could top The Wolf Of Wall Street as the best film of 2014, it would be this film. The humour from John Michael McDonagh's previous film, The Guard, is also present, but a more sombre look of ones faith and how it's perceived in modern Ireland, not to mention ones role in life, all the while trying to solve the mystery as to who wishes to kill the main character, played by Brendan Gleeson, who puts on an amazing performance onscreen.

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Worst Newly Released Film

For any film that was a new release and viewed in the same year, be it cinema or home release/digital.

Frank
20 Ft Below: The Darkness Descending
Maleficent
A Million Ways To Die In The West
Godzilla (2014)

WINNER: 20 Ft Below: The Darkness Descending
Maybe I'm just shooting fish in a barrel by knocking a film that went Direct To DVD (or is it Direct To Video now), and as much as I like Danny Trejo, not all his movies are that good, which somehow gives them some charm at least. But this film is mind-numingly boring, from the minimal sets and boring characterisation, to the unengaging story and poor action scenes. Hell, even the title of the movie was changed to "Darkness Descends" once it was released over this side of the Atlantic.

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Best Film (Any Year)

.....self explanatory really.

Stoker
The Exorcist
Bronson
The Loved Ones
Robocop

WINNER: Robocop
I could go on about how this movie blew me away when I first watched it at 8 years old, unsupervised by my parents. I could also regurgitate all that there is to be said about how great it is. But this year I managed to watch this on the big screen, and all the memories of watching it for the first time came rushing to my mind. I'm even smiling as I write this short blurb, very enjoyable night indeed.

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Worst Film (Any Year)

.....also self explanatory.

The Dukes Of Hazzard
200 MPH
Resident Evil: Retribution
Remains
Caught In The Crossfire

WINNER: Resident Evil: Retribution
Two years ago I wrote on this blog about how disappointing this film was when I first saw it. I watched it again, and the film is still godawful in my eyes. And with Milla Jovovich's pregnancy delaying the production of the final Resident Evil flick, I guess I'll have to wait to see the film that I should have been watching back then.

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F**k Yeah/F**k No! Award

For any film that gets a reaction to something awesome/exciting/violent/horrifying/gruesome.

Bad Ass
X-Men: Days Of Future Past
White House Down
Independence Day 4
Robocop

WINNER: Bad Ass
After watching 20 Ft Below/Darkness Descends, I needed to watch another Danny Trejo flick just to restore my faith in the guy. And I got plenty of it back thanks to this very entertaining flick. Afterwards I was happy to find out that a sequel was due to be released later in the year. Also, ya gotta love the fanny pack.

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Most Boring/Forgettable

For any film that, while it may be bad but not the worst, it's only crime is that it bored the hell outta me, and/or the fact that it's so forgettable that I wish I had the time back that I wasted watching it.

20 Ft Below: The Darkness Descending
Bounty Hunters
Surf Nazis Must Die
Caught In The Crossfire
Eye Of The Beast

WINNER: Caught In The Crossfire
Just like Hammer Of The Gods in the last Film 500 blog post, this one also managed to make me fall asleep throughout it. And since I didn't want to rewatch it again, I kept trying to keep myself awake. Once I managed to get to the end, I really wished I just gave up and fell asleep on the couch.

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David Hasselhoff Award

For any actor(s) whose appearance comes as a surprise and/or is a novelty. Inspired by David Hasselhoff''s appearances in the likes of Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Piranha 3DD and The Spongebob Squarepants Movie.

Billie Joe Armstrong (for This Is 40)
"Various Cameos" (for Looney Tunes: Back In Action)
"The Gimp" (for This Is The End)
Marilyn Manson (for Wrong Cops)
Devon (for Don Jon)

WINNER: Devon (For Don Jon)
And that's who's picture is featured at the beginning of this blog post. Okay, maybe it is cheating as only a clip of her "in action" was shown during one of main character's Joseph Gordon Levitt's "browsing sessions", but since she's one of the first adult actresses I, erm, became a fan of, I had to give the award to her.

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Justin Timberlake Award

For any actor(s) whose performance is so bad that you want to jump up from your seat and punch the screen because they are so annoying and/or woeful as an actor. Inspired by Justin Timberlake overtaking Marky Mark Wahlberg as my most despised actor last year.

Loretta Devine (for Urban Legends: The Final Cut)
Eric Bana & Jennifer Connelly (for Hulk)
Jessica Simpson (for The Dukes Of Hazzard)
Jaz Martin (for 200 MPH)
Burt Reynolds (for In The Name Of The King)

WINNER: Jaz Martin (200 MPH)
I know films by The Asylum are not known for their stellar casts, but even among the horrid acting, terrible dialogue and nonsensical plot, this guy managed to make this film sink even lower in my estimation. His performance is so laughable that it made my mouth open in awe of how abysmal it is.

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Roger Corman Award

For any film that involves a creature and/or a disaster that varies in quality and budget. In otherwords, anything from The Asylum/SyFy Channel. Inspired by B-Movie legend, Roger Corman.

Sgt Kabukiman NYPD
Mega Python Vs Gatoroid
Zombie Apocalypse
Mega Piranha
Poseidon Rex

WINNER: Poseidon Rex
Quite a tough choice when it comes to some enjoyably tacky SyFy/The Asylum creature features, but after much thought (or alcohol, I don't know which), the one that made me laugh the most was Poseidon Rex, with Mega Piranha coming a close second. 

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Tom Hanks Award

For any film that is suitable for all the family. Inspired by the movie Big, starring Tom Hanks. In that I might as well be a big kid while watching it.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret Of The Ooze
Looney Tunes: Back In Action
Toy Story 3
WALL-E
Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

WINNER: Toy Story 3
This makes me want to watch the Toy Story trilogy back to back, as it has been years since I've seen the previous two installments. I'm surprised that it's taken me this long to watch it, and I have to give credit to any movie, be it live action or animated, that makes me a little teary eyed, given how manly I am.....ahem, seriously.

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Pre-1D Morgan Spurlock Award

For any documentary film that I've seen. Dedicated to a time when Morgan Spurlock was a well respected documentary film maker, before he decided to take a dump on his reputation for the money by helming One Direction: This Is Us.

Unhung Hero

WINNER: Unhung Hero
While it was a unique way to get over being humiliated thanks to a viral video by tackling (no pun intended) a stigma that even admitting it onscreen for the sake of a documentary, it must make it even more embarrassing for the documentarian in question. To sum up this documentary, it's about a guy who is unhappy about his penis. Hmm, maybe I should watch more documentaries.

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Jamie Lee Curtis Award

The first of Immature Awards Threesome. This goes to any actress who appears naked in a film, whether it be a nude scene or sex scene. Inspired by the first time I saw a naked woman on film, which was Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places.

Mimi Rogers (for Killer aka Bulletproof Heart)
Lindsay Lohan (for The Canyons)
Anna Gabriella Olson (for Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead)
Betsy Rue (for My Bloody Valentine 2009)
Raven De La Croix (for Screwballs)

WINNER: Mimi Rogers (for Killer aka Bulletproof Heart)
I've mentioned in a previous blog entry (can't remember which one) that I wished I watched Killer (entitled Bulletproof Heart in the States) before it was pulled from the US version of Netflix. Luckily enough it reappeared on the site, and I finally got to see not only a film that should get more recognition that it does, but also the bosoms that turned Tom Cruise into a Scientologist.

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Victoria Silvstedt Award

The second of the Immature Awards Threesome. This goes to any actress who appears sexy in a film without being nude. Inspired by Victoria Silvstedt: Playmate Of The Year's cameo in BASEketball.

Megan Fox (for This Is 40/Jennifer's Body)
Danielle Harris (for Urban Legend)
Tiffany (for Mega Python Vs. Gatoroid)
Vivica A. Fox (for Independence Day)
Heather Graham (for Bowfinger)

WINNER: Danielle Harris (for Urban Legend)
One of the top "Scream Queens" today, not only is she absolutely stunning (as I've seen with my own eyes two years ago) but add the goth chick look in Urban Legend and I'm instantly in love, even if the character is abrasive. Still, can't go wrong with the goth look personally.

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Bill & Ted Award

The third of the Immature Awards Threesome. To round off the threesome of immature categories, this award goes to the film on the Film 500 list in which the number 69 appears. Inspired by the number Bill & Ted were thinking of in the film Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

WINNER: 369. Jennifer's Body
Funnily enough I didn't plan for this to be the 369th film (if I did then there would be nudity, hence the crude nature of the "award"), but it does have Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried, so at least that covers the babe quota. 

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Blame Canada Award

For the best piece of music heard/used in a motion picture. Inspired by South Park: The Movie being nominated for an Academy Award for the song Blame Canada.

Ninja Rap - Vanilla Ice (for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret Of The Ooze)
The majority of the soundtrack (for Urban Legend)
Stunt - Mr Oizo (for Wrong Cops)
It's A Sin - Pet Shop Boys (for Bronson)
Cosmo Black - Dynatron (from Cold In July)

WINNER: Stunt - Mr Oizo (for Wrong Cops)
Picking a winner for this was hard, and was tempted to call it a draw and make every nominee a winner. So I tried to put it in context to how the song(s) in question were used in their respective film. And I had to give it to the one that was described by one of the characters as "shit in a can".

And on a final note.....

I don't care how repetitive it is, it's still catchy. Then again, this was done by the same guy who did the "Flat Eric" ads for Levis years ago.

Words From The Blogger: Halloween Countdown Breakdown

Well it's that time of year again where this blog is guaranteed to have some activity in terms of posts. Unfortunately it won't be as much as previous years, even including the abrupt end to the Halloween Countdown last year. As with every "Words From The Blogger" post at this stage, it's to explain my busy life and work schedule, not to mention health issues, of which I had to take the day off work yesterday. And of course due to the lack of internet connection and a platform to write up articles, this month may be sparse with blog posts.

Not to mention that I've been trying to update the Film 500 "awards" posts, of which three should be posted this month. As I write this short piece I have reached 475 films, which means I am guaranteed victory in the goal I set myself on Halloween last year. Even if I spend the month trying to squeeze in as many American Horror Story episodes as I can (at this time trying to finish the first season), I still have Horrorthon to attend near the end of the month, not to mention many opportunities to watch horror related flicks, including the SAW series, given that I never got around to watching them last year, and that it's the 10 year anniversary since the release of the first film.

Despite the lack of time, energy, inspiration and at times, motivation to get back into the swing of things, I will be taking baby steps this month, whenever possible. I do have fun writing whatever comes to mind onto here, even if nobody stumbles onto this blog. As the old saying goes, practice makes perfect.

And on a final note.....

I would love this to be playing in cinemas this side of the Atlantic. I have managed to watch all the SAW films in the cinema bar this one, so it would be a dream to catch it on the big screen.

Film 500: Part 3 - Return Of The Setbacks

Okay I will admit that this blog has suffered these past few month due to circumstances beyond my control. As well as my ongoing health concerns and tied up with my day job, I have had loved ones going into hospital, along with the death of a family friend. On a positive note I did go on my first proper holiday in over a decade, and attended two weddings. I was meant to go to a music festival, but it got cancelled two weeks before it started.

Other than that, I've found myself away from home for considerable periods of time where I don't have access to a computer and I have given up trying to construct articles via smartphone, especially as my fingers seem to be too big for the onscreen keyboard, which results in infuriating typing mistakes. That said, I did reach up to 400 films a few days ago, which makes my target of 500 easier to accomplish. So without further ado, here's the nonsensical "awards" for this part of the list (with the next one shortly to come):

FILM 500 AWARDS: 201-300 (20/02/13 to 02/05/14)

Above: the films with the most nominations (three).

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Best Newly Released Film

For any film that was a new release and viewed in the same year, be it cinema or home release/digital.

Nymphomaniac: Vol 1 & 2
Dallas Buyers Club
The Raid 2
Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Under The Skin

WINNER: Captain America: The Winter Soldier
It was around February that I started to watch more films in the cinema, and in that time I saw the first great blockbuster of the year in the new film from the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I would never have thought that a Captain America sequel would not only be great, but would also be a close rival to The Avengers, in terms of action, character, story, and relevance to the MCU.

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Worst Newly Released Film

For any film that was a new release and viewed in the same year, be it cinema or home release/digital.

The Canal

WINNER: The Canal
I haven't seen any terrible films as such, and although this film has yet to be released yet, I managed to see this at a test screening where I had to answer a questionnaire on what I thought of it. Needless to say, not only was this one of the worst films I've seen this year, it's one of the worst films I've ever seen. Now I'm not sure if there were changes made to it before it's official premiere (given the surprising amount of good reports lately), but from what I've seen, there's no way to salvage this train wreck of a movie.

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Best Film (Any Year)

.....self explanatory really.

Children Of Men
Django Unchained
Ghostbusters
The Descent
The Raid

WINNER: Ghostbusters
What can I say? After 30 years this film still stands the test of time and is one of my all time favourites. Enough said.

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Worst Film (Any Year)

.....also self explanatory.

Jurassic Shark
Bear
Scary Movie 5
Terror Trap
The Devil Inside

WINNER: Jurassic Shark
The best example of a film not living up to its preposterous title. I haven't seen a zero budget movie this bad since KFZ: Kentucky Fried Zombie. Infact, this barely passes as a film, what with the extra padding of the opening and closing credits, there's barely an hour of material on display, and even then it's a pain to watch; acting, effects, story, cinematography, everything. If KFZ was the worst zombie film I've seen, then this is the worst shark flick I've ever had to endure.

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F**k Yeah/F**k No! Award

For any film that gets a reaction to something awesome/exciting/violent/horrifying/gruesome.

The Collection
Bloodsport
Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Tango & Cash
The Raid

WINNER: The Raid
I still have fond memories of going into the cinema thinking this was just another zombie movie (judging by the poster as I read no reviews nor heard anything about what it was about), only to be surprised by the fact that it was a martial arts flick, and coming out pleased that I saw one of the best action films in a long time.

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Most Boring/Forgettable

For any film that, while it may be bad but not the worst, it's only crime is that it bored the hell outta me, and/or the fact that it's so forgettable that I wish I had the time back that I wasted watching it.

Jurassic Shark
Sharkzilla
Ghostquake
Behemoth
Hammer Of The Gods

WINNER: Hammer Of The Gods
The films listed above were absolutely horrid, but HOTG has the dubious honour of making me fall asleep during it. Infact, I forced myself to watch it again the next day as I didn't want to include it to the Film 500 list if I didn't watch it to the end. Plus I wanted to see if I missed anything important. I didn't. And you know it's a bad sign that not even the inclusion of bare breasts in the final act could salvage this movie.

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David Hasselhoff Award

For any actor(s) whose appearance comes as a surprise and/or is a novelty. Inspired by David Hasselhoff''s appearances in the likes of Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Piranha 3DD and The Spongebob Squarepants Movie.

Charisma Carpenter (for Ghostquake)
Ron Jeremy (for Ghostbusters)
"Surprise cameo in post credits scene" (for Fast & Furious 6)
Colm Meaney (for Dick Tracy & Die Hard 2)
Danny Trejo, Salma Hayek, Christoph Waltz, Usher & Celine Dion (for Muppets Most Wanted)

WINNER: Ron Jeremy (For Ghostbusters)
I still find it funny that a film from my childhood was technically the first Ron Jeremy film I've ever seen. Granted it wouldn't be until the introduction of widescreen releases on VHS and DVD that I would have been able to spot him, but it still gives me a laugh and another reason to love this film even more.

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Justin Timberlake Award

For any actor(s) whose performance is so bad that you want to jump up from your seat and punch the screen because they are so annoying and/or woeful as an actor. Inspired by Justin Timberlake overtaking Marky Mark Wahlberg as my most despised actor last year.

The entire cast of Jurassic Shark
Marguerite Moreau (for Queen Of The Damned)
Kelly Byrne (for The Canal)
Hayden Christensen (for Star Wars: Episode 2 - Attack Of The Clones)
Ricky Gervais (for Muppets Most Wanted)

WINNER: Kelly Byrne (The Canal)
As much as I hate Ricky Gervais and so tempted to choose him as I love The Muppets and his presence really got under my skin, I have to give the "award" to what has to be the worst performance in this godawful film. People were laughing everytime she opened her mouth onscreen, which would be almost passable if the film was meant to be a comedy. Which the film might as well be, but in the context of a direct to DVD, get what you pay for, crappy horror flick.

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Roger Corman Award

For any film that involves a creature and/or a disaster that varies in quality and budget. In otherwords, anything from The Asylum/SyFy Channel. Inspired by B-Movie legend, Roger Corman.

Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger Part 4
Flesh Gordon
Shark Week
Osombie
Laid To Rest

WINNER: Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger Part 4
Pretty strong competition (for want of a better term, given the varied quality of the flicks above), but the award has to go to quite possibly the best of the Toxic Avenger sequels. Well, even the movie says so in its opening credits, so who can argue with that?

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Tom Hanks Award

For any film that is suitable for all the family. Inspired by the movie Big, starring Tom Hanks. In that I might as well be a big kid while watching it.

Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs
The Spongebob Squarepants Movie
Masters Of The Universe
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
Muppets Most Wanted

WINNER: Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs
I was tempted to go the nostalgic route and go with He-Man or The Turtles, but after finally checking out the first Cloudy film (I didn't get a chance to watch it when I saw the sequel in the cinema), I was pleasantly surprised to find it absolutely hilarious. One of the best recent animated flicks I've seen in a long time, and made me appreciate the sequel even more.

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Pre-1D Morgan Spurlock Award

For any documentary film that I've seen. Dedicated to a time when Morgan Spurlock was a well respected documentary film maker, before he decided to take a dump on his reputation for the money by helming One Direction: This Is Us.

Bigger, Stronger, Faster*
Bobby Fischer Against The World

WINNER: Bobby Fischer Against The World
A fascinating look at an individual that was part genius, part madman, which doesn't alienate viewers who have never heard of him, or have no idea about competitive chess.

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Jamie Lee Curtis Award

The first of Immature Awards Threesome. This goes to any actress who appears naked in a film, whether it be a nude scene or sex scene. Inspired by the first time I saw a naked woman on film, which was Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places.

Uschi Digard (for The Kentucky Fried Movie)
Tromelissa Saytar (for Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger 4)
Eva Green (for 300: Rise Of An Empire)
Scarlett Johansson (for Under The Skin)
Pamela Anderson (for Barb Wire)

WINNER: Pamela Anderson (for Barb Wire)
Disregarding the fact that I'm unable to find SFW images of the first two choices, and that I saw the next two choices on the big screen (nice), nostalgia got the best of me as I pick one of the classic blonde bombshells of the 90's. Given that she was one of the key figures of my teenage years, it shouldn't come as a surprise.

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Victoria Silvstedt Award

The second of the Immature Awards Threesome. This goes to any actress who appears sexy in a film without being nude. Inspired by Victoria Silvstedt: Playmate Of The Year's cameo in BASEketball.

Adrienne Barbeau (for Escape From New York)
Madonna (for Dick Tracy)
Danielle Harris (for Hatchet 3)
Bobbi Sue Luther (for Laid To Rest)
Teri Hatcher (for Tango & Cash)

WINNER: Madonna (for Dick Tracy)
Another blonde bombshell of the 90's, sometimes I forget how hot Madonna was during this decade, not to mention that she did have decent hits. Makes me want to sit through Body Of Evidence again, and not just skip to the "key scenes".

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Bill & Ted Award

The third of the Immature Awards Threesome. To round off the threesome of immature categories, this award goes to the film on the Film 500 list in which the number 69 appears. Inspired by the number Bill & Ted were thinking of in the film Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

WINNER: 269. Flesh Gordon
Absolutely bonkers but hilarious. If only it was allowed to receive an Academy Award for Special Effects (if the Wikipedia page is anything to go by).

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Blame Canada Award

For the best piece of music heard/used in a motion picture. Inspired by South Park: The Movie being nominated for an Academy Award for the song Blame Canada.

Out Of The Fire - Charlie Clouser (for The Collection)
Sirius - The Alan Parsons Project (for Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs)
Fuhre Mich - Rammstein (for Nymphomaniac Vol 1)
Speed - Atari Teenage Riot (for The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift)
Finale - Hans Zimmer (aka The Lone Ranger Theme) (from The Lone Ranger)

WINNER: Out Of The Fire - Charlie Clouser (for The Collection)
Always liked Charlie Clouser's soundtrack work ever since the first SAW film, so of course his talents are suited to the film in question. While the song does share similarities to Nine Inch Nails' "The Day The Whole World Went Away" (which is not surprising since he was once a touring member of NIN), its use in this film for a particular scene made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

And on a final note.....

I was tempted to post the scene in question, but instead I recommend you watch The Collector & The Collection instead (especially if you are a fan of the SAW flicks, or just horror films in general).

Film 500: Part 2 - The List Strikes Back

I was going to excuse the time between this post and the last one due to a week off work for some R&R, not to mention falling foul to a viral infection, which again means more health problems. But then again, it's only been three weeks, and given my track record since the start of this blog, this is nothing. Also by coincidence I managed to hit film number 200 in my Film 500 challenge, so might as well do the next awards post, which should keep you distracted for another 3-4 weeks.

FILM 500 AWARDS: 101-200 (27/12/13 to 19/02/14)

Above: the film with the most nominations (three).

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Best Newly Released Film

For any film that was a new release and viewed in the same year, be it cinema or home release/digital.

The Wolf Of Wall Street
The Lego Movie

WINNER: The Wolf Of Wall Street
It's a slow start to getting back to watching films in the cinema, not to mention that this viral infection has prevented me from checking out the films I booked to see at the JDIFF. Yes I'm going off topic, but what more can I say about The Wolf Of Wall Street that hasn't been said? It's a sign of a good movie when you don't really feel the 3 hour runtime, except towards the end when it sorta drags while trying to wrap up. Plus this is making me laugh at this time.

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Worst Newly Released Film

For any film that was a new release and viewed in the same year, be it cinema or home release/digital.

Blue Ruin

WINNER: Blue Ruin
The only film I managed to catch at the JDIFF, while it's not actually a bad film, my problem with the film is not down to its slow pace (although that may be down to watching The Lego Movie earlier on and feeling tired while viewing it in the dark confines of the cinema screen). It's more to do with the main actor who I found very dull and unsympathetic, which doesn't help when the supporting cast are more interesting than him.

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Best Film (Any Year)

.....self explanatory really.

Airplane!
The Prestige
Star Trek Into Darkness
Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade
Red Hill

WINNER: Airplane!
What can I say? Like Spaceballs, this film has been an influence in my sense of humour from an early age. Although I'm not at the stage where I can almost recite it word for word.....yet.

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Worst Film (Any Year)

.....also self explanatory.

Transmorphers
ATM
Jack The Giant Slayer
Elektra
Squeal

WINNER: ATM
I got the DVD of this movie for free, and yet I still feel like I want my money back. Not only have I ever screamed at the TV screen at how stupid a film was in a long time, but the fact that this was released by Lionsgate shocked me, as anytime I see the Lionsgate logo, it's usually a sign that it's good, or at least a decent watch. Would be an ideal film to write up on this blog, but in order to do so, I'd have to watch it again, and there's no way I'm watching it anytime soon.

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F**k Yeah/F**k No! Award

For any film that gets a reaction to something awesome/exciting/violent/horrifying/gruesome.

Star Trek Into Darkness
Mortal Kombat
Botched
The Expendables 2
Machete Kills

WINNER: Botched
Very tough choice here, what with a guilty pleasure (Mortal Kombat), the best summer blockbuster of 2013 (Star Trek Into Darkness) and two sequels that are still fun to watch on repeated viewings (The Expendables 2 & Machete Kills). But I chose Botched as I didn't have any idea what the film was about or what to expect, and even after watching it I was happy that I came across such an enjoyable movie. So much that I went out and bought it, and showed it to a friend of mine, who also enjoyed it. And to think that it was filmed in Ireland to boot.

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Most Boring/Forgettable

For any film that, while it may be bad but not the worst, it's only crime is that it bored the hell outta me, and/or the fact that it's so forgettable that I wish I had the time back that I wasted watching it.

Black Christmas
The Mangler
Ice Spiders
Elektra
Psychosis

WINNER: Elektra
The idea of this character having her own spin-off was stupid to begin with, after the events of Daredevil. Not to mention how poor (from what I remember) the theatrical version of that film was to begin with (especially after watching the superior Director's Cut). And it doesn't help when your lead actress is fish face herself, Jennifer Garner. I even had to fast forward parts of the movie because it was so slow and boring. Not even a director's cut could save this stinker, which is right there with The Green Lantern as one of the dullest comic book films I've ever seen in recent memory.

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David Hasselhoff Award

For any actor(s) whose appearance comes as a surprise and/or is a novelty. Inspired by David Hasselhoff''s appearances in the likes of Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Piranha 3DD and The Spongebob Squarepants Movie.

Hollywood Hulk Hogan, Katie Holmes & Joshua Jackson (for Muppets From Space)
Coolio (for Leprechaun 5: In The Hood & Daredevil: The Director's Cut)
Danica McKellar (for Tasmanian Devils)
Kevin Nash (for Rock Of Ages)
Alice Cooper (for Bigfoot)

WINNER: Alice Cooper (for Bigfoot)
I feel this film could have reached the notoriety of Sharknado had it gone with a better cast than Danny Bonaduce and Barry Williams (don't be surprised if you say to yourself "who?") as it's just as incompetent, ridiculous, cheap and unintentionally hilarious. Especially with the cameo of Alice Cooper in his greatest role since Wayne's World. Why hasn't this been given a BR/DVD release over this side of the Atlantic?

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Justin Timberlake Award

For any actor(s) whose performance is so bad that you want to jump up from your seat and punch the screen because they are so annoying and/or woeful as an actor. Inspired by Justin Timberlake overtaking Marky Mark Wahlberg as my most despised actor last year.

Ted Levine (for The Mangler)
Brooke Hogan (for Sand Sharks)
Nicholas Hoult (for Jack The Giant Slayer)
Jennifer Garner (for Elektra)
Elaine Miles (for Wyvern)

WINNER: Elaine Miles (for Wyvern)
As much as I want to stick it to Fish Face Garner, Nicholas Bug Eyes, and Hulk Hogan's daughter who doesn't deserve to be a celebrity in any shape and form, I have to give this "award" to Elaine Miles (again, no surprise if you say "who?"). I know films from SyFy are not known for their stellar quality, but I was convinced that this was the director's mother and she forced him to stick her in the film. All I kept thinking when she was onscreen was that scene in Wayne's World 2 when they replace a bad actor with Charlton Heston, even though it's only a small part.....hey whaddaya know, another Wayne's World reference.

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Roger Corman Award

For any film that involves a creature and/or a disaster that varies in quality and budget. In otherwords, anything from The Asylum/SyFy Channel. Inspired by B-Movie legend, Roger Corman.

Sand Sharks
Rock Monster
Dinosaur Island
Bigfoot
Birdemic: Shock And Terror

WINNER: Birdemic: Shock And Terror
Not even The Asylum/SyFy Channel could produce something so cheap, badly acted, poorly edited, and horribly written. But at the same time, it's one of the most amazing "so bad it's good" films I've ever seen, and is pure comedy gold. Why isn't the sequel released on BR/DVD over here yet?

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Tom Hanks Award

For any film that is suitable for all the family. Inspired by the movie Big, starring Tom Hanks. In that I might as well be a big kid while watching it.

Bedknobs And Broomsticks
Spy Kids
Willow
The Muppets
The Lego Movie

WINNER: The Muppets
The Muppets have been a big part of my childhood, and even today I still love watching them in any shape or form. Although my love will be tested next month since that poxbottle Ricky Gervais is going to be in the new film.

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Pre-1D Morgan Spurlock Award

For any documentary film that I've seen. Dedicated to a time when Morgan Spurlock was a well respected documentary film maker, before he decided to take a dump on his reputation for the money by helming One Direction: This Is Us.

Kurt & Courtney
Corman's World: Exploits Of A Hollywood Rebel
Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait

WINNER: Kurt & Courtney
I was gonna give Roger Corman at least one award this time round, especially as he's lost twice in a category named after him. But I have to go with a documentary based on one of my musical heroes, and an interesting one in that, from his roots and his reaction to his popularity, to conspiracy theories about his death.

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Jamie Lee Curtis Award

The first of Immature Awards Threesome. This goes to any actress who appears naked in a film, whether it be a nude scene or sex scene. Inspired by the first time I saw a naked woman on film, which was Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places.

Rosario Dawson (for Trance)
Mathilda May (for Lifeforce)
Sybil Danning (for Howling 2: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch)
Zoe Stollery (for Dread)
The female cast of Dinosaur Island

WINNER: Sybil Danning (for Howling 2: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch)
A film that falls into the WTF category of movie sequels (alongside Highlander 2 and Halloween 3) that while it's bad, on its own merits it's still entertaining, for better and worse. Of course, what made it very watchable (to those attracted to women anyway) is the presence of Sybil Danning, in various states of undress, as can be seen by the film's end credits (the link shows a censored version, so at least it's SFW).

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Victoria Silvstedt Award

The second of the Immature Awards Threesome. This goes to any actress who appears sexy in a film without being nude. Inspired by Victoria Silvstedt: Playmate Of The Year's cameo in BASEketball.

Scarlett Johansson (for The Prestige)
Lucy Pinder (for Strippers Vs Werewolves)
Eva Mendes (for Ghost Rider)
Jade Regier (for Zombie Hunter)
The female cast of Machete Kills

WINNER: The female cast of Machete Kills
If I had to pick one member of the cast (in order for the overall awards), then I'd have to go with Sofia Vergara and her "Double Ds" machine gun bra. But then again, anyone from the cast (even Michelle Rodriguez) could make me go SCHWING anytime they come onscreen.....I really should watch the Wayne's World films again.

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Bill & Ted Award

The third of the Immature Awards Threesome. To round off the threesome of immature categories, this award goes to the film on the Film 500 list in which the number 69 appears. Inspired by the number Bill & Ted were thinking of in the film Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

WINNER: 169. Strippers Vs Werewolves
Hey, for a film that only took £38 in its first week at the box office, it's the only positive award and/or recognition it's gonna get at this stage.

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Blame Canada Award

For the best piece of music heard/used in a motion picture. Inspired by South Park: The Movie being nominated for an Academy Award for the song Blame Canada.

Mortal Kombat Theme - The Immortals (from Mortal Kombat)
I Want To Know What Love Is - Tom Cruise & Malin Akerman (from Rock Of Ages)
The Howling - Babel (from Howling 2: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch)
Blind - Korn (from Street Fighter 2: The Animated Movie)
A History Of Bad Men - The Melvins (from I Know Who Killed Me)

WINNER: A History Of Bad Men - The Melvins (from I Know Who Killed Me)
Like Strippers Vs Werewolves, this film is not gonna get any positive awards and/or recognition. While the film is bad, it's not the worst film I've ever seen. Besides, it will always score brownie points for using a song by one of my favourite bands of all time, while Lindsay Lohan dances around a stripper pole.....granted non nude, but hey, it's still better than being mentioned in Juno.

And on a final note.....

This is the song in question from The Melvins.